▶ Your Answer :
A thought-provoking current issue concerns of concerns with building a new high school in our town. Some people disagree with the idea of constructing new high school. However, in my opinion, it will be beneficial for our community for the following subsequent reasons. To begin with, having a new school in town will enhance its quality of education the quality of education will be increased. The new high school will allow students for opportunity the opportunities to get good education. To be more specific, students within the community will have more choice in choosing their high school. For example, right after my child graduated from middle school me and my wife were discussing which school should we send our child to graduation, me and my wife discussed deeply regarding with which high school should be attended. We had a lot of choice. Since there were variety of schools we can choose. At the end, we were able to get our child into the best school that we thought (마무리가 이유와 연결이 안되어 있는 거 같습니다. 자기 사는 곳 주위에 많은 고등학교가 생겨서 젤 교육적으로 좋은 것에 지원하게 되었다라고 서술하는 것이 더 개연성이 있어 보입니다). On top of that, new school will bring a lot of new job opportunities. The school is abundant of job opportunities to the locals. Thus, the new school will be able to provide its local more income since the school will be paying to all the employees (일단 학교가 직업을 양상 시 킬 수 잇다라고 하려면 좀 더 개연성 있게 서술할 필요가 있습니다. 많은 인력들이 좋은 교육에서 졸업하게 되면 일자리가 필요한 곳에 좀 더 나은 사람들이 지원할 수 있기 때문에 더 좋은 거 같다라는 등으로 개연성 있게 풀어 나가는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다). According to the research conducted by American Jobs, each school is able to provide its local people with more than 100 job opportunities. The job that are listed were teachers, security guard, cleaner, school bus driver, and so on. The research also points out that the income of the community will increase. To sum up, emergence of a new school will help the locals with its quality of education and more job opportunities. In this regard, I strongly support the announcement that a new school will be constructed in my town.
Fair: 17~23 점수; 21 일단 이 에세이에서의 부족한 것은 개연성입니다. 첫 번째 단락이나 두 번째 단락 모두 주제와 관련된 개연성이 많이 부족해 보입니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우는 예시에서 좋은 학교들이 설립이 되서 많은 초이스 중 자신의 자녀에게 가장 좋은 교육을 줄 수 잇는 학교로 보내게 되서 좋았다는 듯에 설명이 필요해 보이는데 그런 것이 없었고 두 번째 단락 또한 이유에 대한 설명에서 개연성이 많이 부족해 보입니다. 이 에세이는 개연성에 초점을 맞추면서 에세이를 서술해야할 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |