▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly,
having children plays a vital role in people's daily lives in many of places
where they work or play. Some people want to have children earlier in life and
are willing to compromise on their careers while others do not think think differently. Both
sides may have their reasons to support their views. If I were to choose one, I
would say that my careers come first and are willing to wait to have children.
There are several reasons for this. for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, having children give rise of stop people's careers, and it leads
to added stress levels raising children can result in halting own job. To be specific, if people stop to work working, they cannot
maintain a living, which hinders people to build quality life and accompanies
the stressful process (일단 이유에 대한 설명이 너무 극단 적입니다 이 이유에 대하여서는 반박이 많이 나올 거 같습니다). Stress is a main cause of dissatisfying lives. People in
modern society prioritize their careers and they also want to earn money for
their better future. Therefore, today's most of people may have plans to have
children carefully and this plan is very important for people's life. For
example, when I was young, my mother was pregnant my younger brother so, mother
had to stop her work due to company did not want wait my mother. Most companies
in South Korea do not want a person who has to rest a long time such as having
children, so many people have to get a new job after deliver a child. During
this time, my parents had many difficulties to maintain livings, and mother spent
hard time to get a new job after deliver my brother. Therefore, this proves
that having children can stop people's careers, so people must think to have
their children very carefully carefully when raising a child.
Secondly, having children can stop about building relationships with others the relationship can be broken. To
be specific, after deliver a child, parents have to concentrate on only their
child, which as a result not allows people to learn how to build relationships
through communicating with their thoughts and connecting to each other's
feelings. Building relationships is the great way to develop the increasingly
important social, interpersonal, and communication skills. However, one of the
parents must stop their jobs, and they will lose their relationships with
others too. For example, my mother had to stop her job for raising my younger
brother, and she was not able to meet diverse people when raising a younger brother. And my mother was so
active that it was hard to stay only inside. Also, she could not meet various
friends and company's people, and she suffered postpartum depression. Through
this experience, I realized that it could make the high stress level for
people. Therefore, this shows that having children was very careful decision in
order to lead a healthy and fulfilling life.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that it is not better to have children
earlier in life. All things considered, it is my belief that my argument has
been regarding this topic precisely and effectively delivered with the reasons
mentioned above. All in all, this trend will continue due to modern people
prioritize their careers and pass down to the next generations.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 20 일단 이 에세이의 가장 큰 문제점은 불필요한 부연 설명들이 너무 많습니다. 불필요한 부연 설명은 이 에세이를 보앗듯이 전체적인 흐름에 있어서 방해하는 경향이 있는 거 같습니다. 따라서 장황하게 부연설명을 붙이는 것 보다는 간결하게 자신이 원하는 부분만 말하고 하는 것이 더 설득력 있는 독립형 에세이를 만드는 것에 있어서는 좋을 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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