▶ Your Answer :
It is of great worth to discuss whether people are unhappy or unsatisfied because the world has been changed. Some people might believe that as the world changes, people can enjoy various invention such as the Internet, television and so forth and television. However, as far as I am concerned, I firmly agree with the statement that people are less happy or satisfied than before with the two subsequent reasons: first, people more stress due to the competition; second, people get loss their job easily. for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, as the world changes quickly, more competition emerges, which makes people are in cut-throat competition generated by development brought about negative side effects. Unlike our grandparent’s era, people in these days are under a lot of stress and pressure due to the competitiveness of today’s society. In other words, to survive in the world which is changing fast even in now, people have to do more work to compete with other people. It is likely to make people get tired and stressed (앞 문장과 반복됩니다). In 70 years ago, our grandparent did not need to compete with others because most of them were in the same situation, especially agriculture. However, as the world changes, other values are created like money, high-status and so forth. To get this value, they try to overwhelm others. This help people to be in stressful situation.
Next, people get loss their job easily people lost job easily. Today’s world is changing has changed abruptly. It is likely that a new job appears or an old job disappears even now. For example, various jobs such as staffs in McDonald’s who get customer’s order are disappearing. This is because the fast food company replaced the job with a machine. It is unbelievable that machine can be ordered before. However, as the world changes quickly, the technology also developed and made this equipment. With the advance of the machine named KIOSK, which is ordered and delivers the order to the kitchen automatically, the staff in the restaurant got fired. According to research conducted by the department of society in Korea University, 62 percent of all staffs in McDonald’s in Korea lost their job, and they still do not have a job, after the machine was introduced in Korea.This makes them be in depressed.
In sum, this essay shows that as the world is changing, people are less happy and satisfied with their lives than before. As I mentioned above, this is because, first, people are in competition because the society is changing fast. Second, due to the change of society and advance in modern technology, people loss their job.
Good: 24~30 점수: 24 일단 첫 번째 단락에서만 문제점이 조금 보입니다. 첫 번째 단락에서 나타나는 문제점은 문장이 반복되는 경향이 있습니다. 독립형 에세이에서는 반복된 문장을 서술하면 안됩니다. 따라서 좀 더 다른 표현으로 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 문법적 오류들이 있습니다. 이 부분들을 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 첫 번째 단락 이외에는 잘 서술된 독립형 에세이입니다. 특히 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 구체적인 설명이 너무나도 잘 되어있습니다. 문제가 없습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |