▶ Your Answer : 계속해서 너무 장황하다는 피드백을 받구잇는데요 ㅠㅠ어떻게해야 장황하게 안쓸수있는지 감이안오는데 조금더 elaborate해주실수있을까요?? 정말항상너무감사합니다!!
Taking some good relax is also very important to balance the life and increase the productivity of work as well. Each person has their own way to relax depends on their preferences, some people feel relaxed when they do dynamic activities and some don’t. From an objective point of view, it would be better to relax by doing exercise. It may sound odd as exercise and relax seem like not coming along, but exercise helps to keep up with your health physically and mentally. These effects are significant to experience real relaxation.
To begin with, doing exercise is a good way to relax because it supports people to have sound physical health. Most workers are have a lack of exercise time for exercise because of longer working hours and days during their work days, although taking care of the body is one of the most crucial tasks to maintain a good strength of the body. Tense and tired muscles from work should be recovered. If not, it causes people to gain a lot of diseases and ultimately the entire body gets tired and ,directly affecting affects a person’s working condition. For example, the World Health Organization announced that an adult who is older than 18 years old is recommended to do 30 minutes of walking at least per day. They added that lack of exercise is the primary reason why young adults suffer from present obesity, diabetes and chronic muscle aches these days. Also, people’s health will be improved as it makes people sleep well. It is already a well-known fact that exercise can be a good treatment for insomnia. Many people these days suffer from insomnia, and this negatively affects their daily life. Their body cannot function at an optimal level. But exercise has a key to solve these problems. There is no doubt that people will perform at their work if someone keeps their physical health sound. Hence, as relaxation time should be the primary opportunity to look after their health, it is better to relax by doing exercise.
Moreover, the effects of exercise ultimately lead people to be mentally healthy possess good mentality so doing a workout is a better option to take some rest. The mental issue has been spotlighted more recently. This proves that many people are experiencing mental disorders. Although mental issues are not visible, it is everything to control one’s quality of life. People can advance their quality of life by doing exercise as it influences mental health as well. For example, there was a study found that hormones elevated during exercise suppress the hormones released when people get stressed. It plays a role in getting to get rid of stress. Additionally, it was also proved that exercise encourages people to have positive thoughts which are critical for a mental health healthy mentality. Besides, there is a lot of exercise for wellness as well such as yoga. (Lengthy)People do yoga for meditation and they say their mind is relaxed and less suppressed. This displays diverse effects in their lives life, they self-learned how to control their minds and mental training as well. Overall, the effects of exercise will bring the benefits to your work in the end. Thus, it is more suitable to enjoy relaxation via exercise.
To conclude, although people cannot say what is the best way to relax but doing exercise is more beneficial in multiple perspectives compared to watching a movie or reading a book. Working out potentially enhances physical health and enriches mental health. Exercise promotes relaxation of the entire body which has been suffered from work. Also, it aids to develops and guides to have a better quality of life via mental wellness. It has been proved in many ways that advantages from exercise are critical for good mental development such as less depressed and stressed, instead they can be a more positive person. Overall, the relaxation via exercise carries myriad of positive feedbacks, so relaxation through workout should be a better option.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 3 | 2
| 3 | 3 | Score | Fair 18-21 | - 장황하다는 부분은 단순히 내용이 길어서가 아니라, 불필요한! 부분이 많다거나, 비슷한 내용이 반복된다거나, 글의 내용이 진부하게 느껴질 때에 받을 수 있는 피드백입니다. 짧은 문장으로도 핵심 포인트를 전달할 수 있다면 구지 길게 늘이지 않더라도 좋은 글이 될 수 있다는 뜻입니다. 긴글은 오히려 명료함에 있어 큰 방해가 됩니다.
- 결론은 요약부분이므로 더 줄여주셔야겠습니다.
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