▶ Your Answer : These days, people live longer lives than those who lived in the past. There can be many factors that have brought this result. I will explore several reasons why this became possible based on my opinion in the following essay.
To begin with, I think the wide development of medical service is the most important reason for this phenomenon. To illustrate, what I mean by medical service is everything is related to the medical atmosphere. (Clarify the meaning) For example, it can be the infrastructure which is hospitals. It can also be things like surgery skills and techniques of doctors, new medicine, and cutting-edge medical equipment. People couldn't even go to hospitals in the past because of lack of hospitals. As well as, surgery was almost impossible because there was no anesthesia, so surgeons had to tie their patients to the bed and some patients even lost their valuable lives due to extreme pain. Also, it hasn't been long since the penicillin was discovered which gave us a weapon to fight the ever bothering germs to humanity during history. Machines, take for example, magnetic resonance imaging machines (MRI) helped us find tiny tumors in our body. Put together, all these factors helped people find out diseases faster, and cure it faster which led to the increase of average life expectancy.
On top of that, other than medical environment, our normal live's environment has improved conspicuously in the matter of hygiene and sanitary aspects. To be specific, there wasn't any proper water and sewerage system back just in few hundred years ago. This means that people couldn't wash their hands and bodies like modern people do every day, and they were exposed in an unsanitary environment. People were was more susceptible to being contaminated by viruses or germs. Ultimately, this let effected people die to pass away earlier and lowered the average life expectancy. However, in the modern era, most of the germs and viruses got eradicated with the development of hygiene and people get to live a longer life. (Need concluding sentence)
To sum up, there can be lots of reasons that influenced to the extension of average life span period, but I suppose two main reasons for it is first, through the development of medical environment. (Awkward sentence) In addition, citizen's overall surrounding milieu regarding hygiene and sanitation improved over time leading to increasing of lifetime.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 3 | 3
| 3 | 3 | Score | Fair 17-20 | - 과거에 사람들이 병원에 갈 수 없었다는 것 보다는 충분한 medical care를 받을 수 없었다는 점이 더 좋을 것 같아요.
- 종종 어색한 문장이 보이지만 다양한 어휘와 아이디어들이 많이 제시되어 있어 컨텐츠가 풍부한 편입니다. |
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