▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that family is the main
factor of motivation in teenagers’ lives. However, in my opinion, teenagers are
mostly influenced by their friends because of two subsequent reasons.
First of all, in South Korea where
I live, teenagers pass more than half a day together since their middle school. In the
middle school, the courses are set until 4 p.m. and even after school they often
go to take extra curricular activities together. During this time, they have more
chances to make friends through activities whom they can get new interests which they
never had or experienced before. For instance, a study conducted by Seoul
National University shows that teenagers have greater power to influence each other
to decide in which field they will would like to pursue a career than anyone (문맥상 어색하며 동일한 뜻이 반복됩니다). This is because
all about the possible future they question all about the possible future and look for are shared in communication,
and it really depends on the time. Thus, the study makes sense due to the
majority of time they pass together.
On top of that, teenagers tend to get friends who have similar
interests. It is natural that people with similar interests spend more time to
talk about these among them even outside of official place such as school or office.
My little brother is a good example. He loves listening and playing music, so he used
to play guitar since 4 years old. He usually passed his time to practicing guitar
while growing up. Once he entered in middle school, he joined a rock band as
extra-curricular activity, where he met his spiritual companions with whom he formed
a professional musical band after graduation.
To sum up, teenagers are likely to find friends
who have similar taste, and school is the best place to do that for them. In
this regard, I strongly believe that friends among teenagers are each other’s
first influencer.
예상 점수: 21-24 총평: 글을 쓰실 때 동일한 뜻을 자꾸 앞뒤로 쓰시는 버릇이 있으신데 이러한 버릇은 고쳐주시는게 좋습니다. 또한 현재 같이한다는 의미를 강조해서 쓰려구 하시는데 그럴 때는 together을 써주시는게 좋아요. 전체적으로 어법상 잘못된 표현들이 많아서 이러한 표현들을 수정해주셔야 합니다. 내용은 무난하게 잘 서술해주셨습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다. |