▶ Your Answer : Some people think that cars have made a greater impact on society than airplanes. However, I believe that airplanes have made a greater impact on society than cars. This is because airplanes enables people to get less stress while cars can put them under stress. for the following two subsequent reasons. Cars can prevent people from enjoying a better quality of life by putting them under stress To begin with, cars can bring about great stress. In response to the increasing importance of managing stress, many expert opinions and research statistics reinforce the idea that cars can put people under stress (일단 본인의 이유가 비행기가 더 좋다는 것이기 때문에 비행기의 장점을 더 말하시길 바랍니다). For example, when going to work or vacation, many people ride a car. So people get stuck in traffic jam during rush hour and vacation season. Thus, people get stressed before working or enjoying vacation. My own experience also demonstrates some of the disadvantage of riding a car. When going to vacation, I rode a car, so I got stuck in traffic jam. Thus, I got stressed before enjoying vacation. This example demonstrates some of the disadvantage of riding a car. On the other hand, airplanes enable people to get less stress. Understanding the daily environment of people and the potential role of airplanes is necessary to substantiate this view. Every morning, people have to patiently sit through traffic to get to work. Once, they are at work, thy have to endure countless documents and continue to read more even at home. Such exhausting routine repeats itself and eventually wears down people. Thus, when riding an airplane, people can spend less time commuting. And, after work, as a way to manage the ensuing stress, people can enjoy their hobbies or refresh themselves. Even if it is only for a short time, this frees their minds from the intense mental pressure from work. In this regard, airplanes enable people to get less stress. To sum up, I believe that airplanes have made a greater impact on society than airplanes. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
점수: 22 일단 두 가지 부분에 있어서 문제가 보여지는 에세이입니다. 먼저 첫 번째는 첫 번째 단락 이유가 주제를 벗어났습니다. 특히 예시 부분이 주제와 전혀관련이 없습니다. 주제를 벗어나시질 말기 바랍니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 너무 첫 번째 이유와 똑같습니다. 항상 이유를 선정할 때 겹치지 않게 선정을 하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |