▶ Your Answer : Some people think that moving to a different city or country is not a good experience since people lose their old friends. However, in my opinion, it can be a great opportunity for following subsequent reasons.
To begin with, people can maintain their friendship in various ways. We can keep in touch with others who live far away via email, text message or SNS these days. This media deliver delivers (media는 단수 명사입니다) information very quickly so we don't do not (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) need to wait for a reply for long or worry about contact loss. For example, one of my best friends in high school had to move to France due to his parents' business. I was really sad when I heard the news, and we promised to send an email to each other every week. After exchanging emails for 4 years, we are still best friends for each other today. This case shows that distance is not an obstacle for close relationship. (굳이 마무리를 정리하는 문장은 불필요합니다)
On top of that, moving to a new environment can be a good chance to develop one's creativity. When we move to a new place, we can meet new neighbors and friends. New people and environment can foster new ideas and enhance creative thinking (어떤 부분에 있어서 이러한 상황이 이러한 기회를 주는 지 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다) . Also, people need a time for adjustment to adjust to a new place and by doing this, people can figure out the ways of thinking that they have never done before (이 문장은 적절치 않습니다). According to a survey which is conducted by Sun Moon University, people think that moving to a different city helps creative thinking. In a study, 300 people were asked whether moving to a new environment is beneficial for one's creativity or not. The result was surprising. Almost 75% of them answered that moving has a good effect on creativity. This results show that many people believe that new environment enhance creative thinking.
In a nutshell, we do not need to afraid of moving because we can still send regard to our old friends and improve our thinking possibilities. In this regard, I contend that moving to a new city or country is a helpful experience for one's life.
점수: 26 일단 첫 번째 바디 단락 까지는 잘 서술된 독립형 에세이입니다. 이 단락을 통하여서 이사를 하여도 친구를 잃지 않는지를 잘 보여주는 거 같습니다. 하지만 두 번째 단락은 좀 더 구체적으로 왜 이사를 하고 친구를 사귀면 더 창의적이 되는 지를 설명을 해줘야 할 거 같습니다. 구체적이지 않기 때문에 왜 이렇지 라는 의문이 들게 되는 거 같습니다. 이 부분만 주의하면 더 좋은 에세이가 될 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |