▶ Your Answer :
If Parents parents (대문자는 문장 시작할 때만 서술하시길 바랍니다) wish to see their children succeed
in life, I strongly support the opinion that they should set strict rules for
their children, at least till they become the age of that they can take full responsibility
for their actions. I have been an English instructor for 19 years, teaching mostly
elementary and junior high students. Based on my experience dealing with that
age group, I have 2 good reasons to believe so. for the following two subsequent reasons (밑에서 이유들을 다 서술할 것이기 때문에 굳이 인트로에서 장황하게 일일히 다 설명할 필요가 없습니다)
Children are on the growing stage, which
means they haven’t fully developed to make the best decisions in different situations To begin with, children need regulation from parents as they are not yet matured.
They are learning and it is their best interest to have a good guidance to move
onto the right path The strict rules are the best guidance to lead children in successful life. Teaching Children for such a long while children for such a long period, I have found the
most important help that they can get is consistency from their surroundings the most important help is the consistency from the surrounding. My
young students learn the basic knowledge and routine activities they need
better when I’m stricter with my rules I set for them. If the parents are not
strict with their rules for their children, they can’t keep the consistency
their beloved young ones should get.. cannot keep the consistency (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다)
The children who have strict parents can be
more creative in a positive way since they have been trained to control
themselves Furthermore, children's creativity can be increased. I think being creative plays a significant role in a successful
life. A lot of young children before they fully understand social rules can be
confused between being positive creative and being out of control, thinking they
should be able to do anything because they don’t have to take all the responsibility (장황하고 run on sentence인데가 무슨 말을 할려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 어떤 말을 하려고 하는 건가요?).
In my classes, a lot of students argue that they should work less and play more
because they are young. If I don’t set a strict rule to guide them to balance
between the two, they won’t be able to learn enough for their future life. I
believe that it would be the same at home.
As a teacher, I think I can understand what
is being a parent like caring for the children and my experience managing
children in class for many years, strict rules lay good foundations for them to
lead life to the success they want to achieve when they grow up.
점수: 22 일단 지금 이 에세이가 가지고 있는 문제점은 너무 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 어색한 표현들은 에세이로 하여금 설득력을 줄이게 만듭니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요한 부분을 차지하는 것은 설득력 입니다. 하지만 첫 번째 바디 단락 같은 경우는 모든 문장이 어색하여서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 지금 이 에세이는 약간의 작성자의 설명이 필요해 보입니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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