▶ Your Answer : It is debatable whether moving to a new city or country is not a good idea because you will lose old friends people can lose old friends (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다). This is an intriguing question because opinions concerning this issue can be different depending on the individual perspectives. In my opinion, however, I support that moving to a new city or country is a good idea for the following reasons.
First of all, a new city has a lot of benefits because it broadens people's perspectives in terms of broadening perspective. To be specific, a new city or country create creates (a는 단수 주어 입니다) opportunities for people to eat different foods and meet different people, which as a result allow them to better understand other cultures, lifestyles, and perspectives. As modern society is becoming has become increasingly globalized, today's world requires people with international views. People can do this better by having a variety of experiences. For instance, according to a study done by the Korea Times, it revealed that people who move to a new city or country better adapt other environments than other people (주제를 벗어났습니다 이사를 하는 것에 초점을 두는 것이 아니라 이사를하면 친구를 잃는지에 대하여 초점을 맞추길 바랍니다).
In addition, it is more beneficial for people to move to a new city or country because it helps people learn from building relationships with others as they can develop relationship skills. To be specific, moving to a new country creates opportunities for people to meet new friends, which as a result allows people to learn how to build relationships through communicating their thoughts and connecting to each other's feelings. Building relationships is a great way to develop increasingly important social, interpersonal, and communication skills. To illustrate, Bill Gates, who is the founder of Microsoft, has made great accomplishments in his lifetime. I read online that he was very successful because he was able to build could build meaningful relationships with others. He did this by moving to a new country to make new people who has have (people는 복수 주어 입니다) different background.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that it is more beneficial to move a new city. It is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget this issue may have a huge impact on our future.
점수: 21 일단 이 에세이를 읽으면서 느낀 가장 큰 문제점은 주제를 벗어났습니다. 첫 번째 바디 단락이나 두 번째 바디 단락 모두 주제와 전혀 상관이 없는 것에 초점을 맞추면서 에세이를 서술하고 있습니다. 이 에세이는 새로 이사를 가면 친구를 잃냐에 대한 에세이이니. 초점을 친구에 맞춰서 에세이를 서술하면 좋을 거 같습니다. 이 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |