▶ Your Answer : It is debatable whether it is more important to keep your (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다) old friends than it is to make new friends. This is an intriguing question because opinions concerning this issue can be different depending on the individual perspectives. In my opinion, however, I support that it is more important to make new friends for the following two reasons.
First of all, making new friends have many benefits because it broaden people's perspectives can broaden people's perspective. To be specific, new friends have different backgrounds, which as a result allow people to better understand other cultures, lifestyles, and perspectives. As modern society is becoming has become increasingly globalized, today's world requires people with international views. People can do this better by meeting new friends and communicating each other. To illustrate, Steve Jobs, who is the founder of Apple, made great accomplishments in his lifetime. I read online that he was very successful because he was global-minded and culturally sensitive. He did this by always trying make new friends because of their different perspectives in order to understand different perspectives.
In addition, it is more beneficial for people to make new friends because it helps people lead from building relationships. To be specific, by making new friends, people have huge social network, which as a result allow them to learn how to build relationships through communicating their thoughts and connecting to each other's feelings. Building relationships is a great way to develop increasingly important social, interpersonal, and communication skills. To illustrate, Bill Gates, who is the founder of Microsoft, has made great accomplishments in his lifetime. I read online that he was very successful because he was able to build meaningful relationships with others. He did this by interacting and communicating new friends and discussing important matters. In conclusion, I firmly believe that it is better to make new friends. It is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget this issue may have a huge impact on our future.
점수: 27 전체적으로 효과적으로 자신의 주장을 잘 설명해주는 독립형 에세이입니다. 비록 첫 번째 바디 단락이 약간의 어색한 표현들이 있어서 지적할 부분이 있지만 전체적인 내용 부분에 있어서는 자신이 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지를 효과적으로 잘 보여주고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 각 단락의 구체적인 설명과 효과적인 예시 사용을 통하여서 왜 새로운 친구를 사귀는 것이 좋은 지를 잘 설명해주고 잇는 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |