▶ Your Answer :
Many people think that for success in a future job to succeed in the future job, the ability to relate will to people is more important than studying hard in school well with people is more important (전치사 활용이 잘 못되었습니다). Success do not made by own one's effort. However, I believe that for the success, studying hard in school is more important. Students should put a lot of time and effort in study and job is always related to study studying hard in school is imperative for the following two subsequent reasons.
First and foremost, studying is really difficult for people. What I mean is students are having really hard time while they prepare to go university Students have hard time in enrolling university. They put lots of (전치사가 들어가야 합니다) time and effort in front of the desk. They always struggle with the test and their parents. For this process, they know how to run the race until the end. They always stand to not give up their study and realized there are nothing easy not to give up their studying. These make students mental strong. They will strong even they get a job in the future. Before the success, they will try their best without giving up just like now. In my experience From my experience, as my brother is introvert person, he always stay stays (he는 단수 주어 입니다) alone. He did not relate with people and study alone in his room. Fortunately , now he success it. For the experience of his hard time, he did not give up and did not fail.
Secondly, the people who success in a job are called experts succeed in a job are called experts (이거랑 이유랑 무슨 관계인가요?) . They always do their best on study. They need to specialize in their major. Their knowledge bring the success brings about the success (knowledge는 단수 주어 입니다). For this ,they need to spend all day in study. They do not have time to relate with other people. It is so obvious that study is the most thing related with success. For example, such as scientist, they stay all day in their laboratory and study. For this efforts From these efforts, they have amount of knowledge. For this knowledge, they can success succeed (success의 동사 형태는 succeed 입니다). If they did not study even their job was not scientist, they cannot have a success. Not only scientist but also other people who have a job should study and gain their knowledge. They need to make the knowledge to their own and use for the success.
For this reasons that I mentioned above, I strongly disagree with the given statements that for success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school. There no disadvantages to relate will with people, but study is more and most important for success.
점수: 21 일단 이 에세이를 읽으면서 느낀것은 전체적으로 주제를 벗어났습니다. 첫 번째 바디 단락이나 두 번째 바디 단락 모두 주제와 전혀 상관없는 부분에 대하여서 얘기를 계속 하고 있습니다. 또한 너무 문법적인 오류들이 많다 보니 각 문장을 통하여서 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 따라서 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |