▶ Your Answer :
There has been a debate in recent time concerning with whether mobile phones have given people more freedom. And for my position, I truly believe it's true that mobile phones are really helpful to make people's lives more free for following two reasons. mobile phones have brought about a lot of help to people for the following two subsequent reasons. To begin with, people got freedom to know about truth by using the internet on mobile phones people can find more information from internet. In the past, people could not search about something that they want to know because a lot of people did not have their own computers thanks to the less developed technology. However, these days, people are using their phones to read the news related to what they want to search by using mobile phones in everywhere such as cafe, or restaurant. According to my little brother, Josh always argues that the mobile phone is a really helpful device for people's lives. This is because when he visit When he visits (일단 설명 부분에서는 this is because~는 적절치 않고 he는 단수 주어 입니다) Japan, he could not find the restaurant because he did not know all about signs written by Japanese. However, he could readily find out the information about the location of restaurant by using the mobile phones. Likewise, people got freedom to search about something comfortabley without any computers.
On top of that, people could call to someone in everywhere through using mobile phones. Since people could not call when they are on the street, they felt unsatisfied to find some public calling devices in the past. Though, people can get the freedom to call to someone by using mobile phones without using specific kinds of public devices, and they could feel satisfied with calling to someone. For example, when a person suddenly has some problems to call to his or her parents, he or she can try to call rapidly with using phones. And also, according According to the professors from Stanford University, they says that ninety-five percentages of mobile phones users are really satisfied with using phones instead of using other devices.
To sum up, taking all of these reasons into the account, I already have arrived at the rational conclusion that mobile phones have given more freedom to people. It does not mean that I completely ignore the demeirts of mobile phones, but the advantages of it are truly great to cover its demerits. So, I want to say it's true that mobile phones have provided people more freedom.
점수: 23 각 단락들이 서로 문제점을 가지고 있지만 공통적인 문법적 오류는 단수 복수 주어에 따른 동사 형태를 항상 주의하면서 서술하시길 바랍니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 표현들을 제가 지적하였습니다. 첨삭한 것을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 예시나 이유가 설득력이 없습니다. 이유를 좀 더 구체적이고 명확하게 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |