▶ Your Answer :
It is
controversial whether people should study diverse filed or not field (철자가 잘못 서술 되었습니다). Some
people think that students should study many academic subjects
to have broad knowledge. In my opinion, however, I think
that students should specialize in one specific subject for the following two subsequent
reasons.
To begin with, studying diverse field prevent to
motivate students stimulates the study. If students study many subjects, there may be
dislike subject people might have hatred subjects. People do not want to do hating works hate particular subjects. If doing
hating works they hate work, people will get stress. This cause decrease
motivation of study decreases the motivation (동사가 두 개 이고 this는 단수 주어 입니다). For example, when I was
young, I forced to learn many subjects. I learn learned (과거형으로 시작 했으면 계속 과거형으로 서술하시길 바랍니다.) mathematics,
English, science, history, music, and etc and music. I hated music
because I was bad at music. It was very stressful to study
music obligatorily. I did not go to school to avoid music
class. Finally, my all subject's grades downed (이 예시와 본인의 이유와 무슨 상관관계가 있는지 모르겠습니다).
On
top of that, specializing in one specific subject can more enhance ability
than learn large subject enhance studying ability. It is effectively to focus at one than two effective to focus on one particular. If people
want to succeed a filed, people should focus on one
filed specific field. According the study conducted by university of California,
people who focus on work get higher achievements than people who
focus on work and chores. When I studied math and science, I felt down exam.
However, when I studied math only, I passed exam.
To sum up, I firmly believe that focusing on one subject is the best way.
This is because study studying variety field can cause decreasing motivation and is
more effectively.
점수: 21 일단 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 존재하고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 먼저 첫 번째는 어색한 표현들이 너무 많습니다. 이러한 표현들은 에세이 플로우를 방해하기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째는 각 이유들이 주제를 벗어난 거 같습니다. 이유를 항상 주제와 연관을 지으면서 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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