▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that it is more important to use lands for saving endangered animals than for human needs such as farming, housing, and industry. However, I believe that using lands for human needs is more important than for using lands for endangered animals. This is because changing lands for human needs can develop the country’s economy. While Moreover, using lands for endangered animals is not an effective way to prevent endangered species. To begin with, there are many developing countries in the world. These countries mostly don’t have well-installed infrastructures such as a public health organization and education centers. For the lLack of these facilities, a lot of people in the world are exposed to severe illnesses and crimes. In this regard, I firmly believe that the government should plan to develop their lands for human needs. Interestingly, there was a statistical data investigated by a professor at Seoul National University as with 20 well-developed countries and 20 developing countries as subjects.objects. The purpose of the investigation was to reveal the relationship between a level of countries’ land development and their incidence rate. The most of well-developed nations had a high proportion of civilized area that had many public facilities and they tended to indicate low-incidence rates. As the investigation shows, incidence rate can be reduced by constructing public facilities for human needs. 토지개발로 인간의 필요를 채울 수 있다는 내용은 주제와 관련이 없습니다. 인간의 필요를 위한 사용이 '더 중요하다'라는 점을 이야기해야 하므로 왜 더 필요한지를 설명할 수 있도록 주장을 발전시켜주세요. On the top of that, using lands for animals cannot be a fundamental solution to protect endangered species. This is attributed to the fact that the most serious problem in the current ecosystem is the introduction of alien species. A renowned animal scientist in South Korea published an article at last Sunday, which claimed that a lot of endemic animals are in danger because of inflowing of alien predators. The article showed that a almost 60percent of 3000 native species are is annually killed by these alien animals. In other words, to protect them, governments should do their efforts to manage the number of alien predators. If the government would just preserve land for endangered animals without managing alien animals, they would not solve the problem. To sum up, I strongly believe that it is more important to use lands for human needs. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated by the reasons that I have mentioned above.
Comment : 본론에서 제시하는 두 주장이 주제와 연결되는 설명을 보여줄 수 있도록 내용을 더 보완해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 본론1의 경우 사람들에게 도움이 된다는 점에 초점이 갈 것이 아니라 '사람의 필요를 먼저 해결하는 것이 우선이다'라는 점에 더 초점이 가야 논점이 명확해질 수 있을 것 같아요. 본론2의 경우에도 땅을 보존하는 것은 멸종위기 동물들을 돕는 것과 크게 관련이 없다는 점을 더 강조해줘도 좋을 것 같아요. 기본적인 주장의 방향은 주제에 부합하니 주제와의 연관성을 살리는 부분들 위주로 보강하시면 더 좋은 답변이 될 것으로 보입니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남)
- Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |