▶ Your Answer :
As modern society is becoming developed especially in the field of entertainment industry, many people have more came to be interested in a monetary gain or living level of entertainers or athletes than before. Some people think that it is not desirable for athletes and entertainers to make a huge amount of money every year because it is unfair when it comes to considering that ordinary workers have to spend spending a huge amount of their time on their tasks. However, in my opinion, it makes sense deserve for them to earn millions of dollars day after day. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.
To begin with, it is qualified enough for athletes and entertainers to earn a large amount of money. This is mainly because they try to ceaseless make enormous efforts on their tasks and dedicate their valuable time in order to fulfill their own goal. Obviously, I am willing to admit that it is relatively too high-paying job and also common workers make a lot of efforts on their job as well; however, I strongly believe that those who are working in the field of entertainment industry are is placed in more competitive situations and are required require them to dedicate more efforts and their time than those with the other jobs. For example, my brother, a bass-ball star working for Lotte Giant team, told me that he tried to ceaseless make ceaseless conscious efforts only into on training in order to become an influential athlete and also make a good living with for his family. Also, he said that as a result of such efforts, he came to become a great baseball bass-ball hero in my country. Thus, just like such a case, it is safe to say that it is justifiable to make regard hundreds of thousands of dollars they earn as a reward of the efforts.
On top of that, great and influential athletes and entertainers can contribute significantly to their own country and society. This is due to the fact that they are influential public figures. Thus, their whose contribution and donation to the country can increase citizen's motivation to the society to which they belong belonging. For instance, Jung and Song, a couple of movie stars in the field of film industry of Korea have always donated the vast majority of their income to a charity from a long time ago. Surprisingly, mMany people saw them help the poor, and subsequently citizens who were impressed and encouraged by their donation also started to donate their valuable money to poor people. Therefore, it is obvious that influential athletes and entertainers deserve such a high income. worth the cost. 이들의 파급력이 사회적으로 큰 '가치'를 가지고 있고 그것이 큰 돈으로 환산될만 하다는 점을 좀 더 강조해주면 좋을 것 같아요.
Taking all of these things into consideration, what I advocate boils down to the assertion that it is desirable for athletes and entertainers to make millions of dollars since not only does they make a lot of efforts, but it also plays an important role in leading to the donation culture.
Comment : 노력과 사회적 파급력 면에서 큰 돈을 벌 만하다는 주장은 아주 좋습니다. 다만 본론2의 경우 수입을 많이 갖는 운동선수나 연예인이 모두 기부를 하는 것은 아니므로, 기부로 범위를 좁히기보다는그들의 '사회적 영향력'이나 '경제적 파급력'과 연결지어서 논리를 풀어내는 편이 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 대체로 좋은 논리이지만 어색한 표현들이 많아 정확히 전달되지 않는 부분들이 조금 아쉽습니다. 정확한 단어 사용과 문법표현에도 신경써주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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