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Certainly, free time plays a vital role in students' daily lives especially for studying and sleeping. Some people think that young people range ages from 14 to 18 should have a part-time job or learn to play a sport in their free time, while others think that they should learn to play a music instrument. Each side may have their own reasons to support their opinion. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that young people benefit from learning to play a music instrument. There are several reasons as follows.
To begin with, when young people learn to play a music instrument, they can recharge their batteries(어색한 표현입니다) so they will be able to sleep deeper and concentrate on class material tommorow. The reason is that learning to play a music instrument encourages them to feel relaxed, stimulate creativity, and grows their emotional quotient. Someone can ask could say that having a part-time job or volunteering, or learning to play a sport will also be helpful for them. (위와 중복되니 some could say that the other activities listed before could also be helpful 로 대체해주세요.)However they can make are prone to make young people tired. Having a part-time job, volunteering and learning to play a sport. Those activities requires them to get along with several people. A , although socializing is sometimes so(informal한 표현입니다) fun and exciting, sometimes most of the time(이 문맥에 더 잘어울립니다)it makes people worn out. It is too excessive for young people when having free time, because young people already have to socialize every day in school. Take my sister as an example. My sister was always exhausted and got tired after school. She joined the soccer club and every day exercised, so usually frequently drowsed during class, and got stressed because of human relationships while learning to play a sport. She stopped to playing a soccer and started to playing a violin(단수명사 주의하세요)alone throughout the youtube. After that, She has sleepedt deeper every night, became relaxed, so concentrated on the subject material. Moreover she has the emotional hobby such as reading literature, seeing movies as her emotional quotient became higher by playing a violin.
Also if someone learned to play a music instrument in their adolescence, it will be helpful when they have to work as an adult. After 20 years, there will be less free time due to their work, so even if they want to learn to play a music instrument, they may be not able to do.
In short, I strongly believe that the advantages of learning to play a music instrument far outweights its disadvantages for the reasons I have mentioned above. In this regard, the importance of learning to play a music instrument cannot be overestimated in mentally and physically healthy life especially for young people.
Score: 16 Comments: - 일단 오타가 굉장히 많았습니다. 조심해주세요. - 전체적으로 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다. - 전체 내용이 주제와 아주 잘 맞습니다. - 문법 실수가 너무 많습니다. 문법에 더 신경 써주시길 바랍니다. - 계속 주제문을 반복함으로써 내용이 길어지고 복잡해졌으니 앞으로는 줄여서 써주시길 바랍니다. - 이유와 설명이 매우 논리적이고 타당성있습니다 - 하지만 치명적인 문법 실수들이 몇개 있어서 큰 감점요소가 됐습니다.(하이라이트 부분!) - 문장을 너무 simple하게 끊어 쓰지 마시고, 접속사와 콤마, 세미콜론을 사용해서 complex한 문장을 만드는데 노력해주세요.
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