▶ Your Answer : The children of these days are enormously exposed of various media since they were born. There are a lot of discussions on whether this exposure would make a positive impact on children or not. Personally I also have seen some parents who do not allow their children watch television. However, I believe that rather letting children watch television could encourage them to study harder. --뒤에다가 님이 주장하실 M.I 2개 요약해서 명시할것-- 예시) for the following reasons: A and B To begin with, simply put, watching television can be a very effective incentive for children. If parents let them watch television when they finish a certain amount of study that they are supposed to do that day, it can motivate them to study harder. -Too General- Compared to the mind of adult, which mostly consider a various aspects when they do something, child mind would be much simpler. This hard working and reward relationship will be a momentum that makes it possible for children to conduct a given mission. For example, my cousin is a big fan of a very cute penguin character in animation for children. Since she always so much is always eager to watch video clips of this penguin, the best way of making her to behave well is a promise for watching this animation once she is done with what she has to do. This way always works very well and there is no need for time to persuade her or any other troubles. In this way, there is no necessity for parents to argue with their children to make them study by let them watch Tv by using it as an incentive.
On top of that, some people regard television as a sort of evil for their children, on the contrary, television can be a useful education aids when using it within a smart way. -> 이건 Main Idea가 아니에요. 딱 읽고 이 문장이 주제와 무슨관련이있는거지? 반문이나오면안되요.Since children have a relatively short attention span for studying, sitting in classes quietly or reading a book for some time long could be very difficult to them.. That is why children need a wide variety of educational tool and a televised material could be one of them. In the purpose of helping education for children, there are several educational materials for example, when I was in second year of elementary school, we all watched the documentary about our universe on television in science class. All these visual images of universe and the contents in it were kind of shocking and so surprising to me and I decided to study about it at that time. Now I’m majoring astronomy and studying cosmology.
I don’t think that television should be blamed for its disadvantages in terms of child education. It definitely depends on the way of using it and if we use television as a helpful tool of children studying, it will be a very effective tool to motivate and stimulate children --> 이제서야 Main Idea 2개를 무엇으로 선정했는지 보이네요. 심지어 Motivate이랑 Stimulate은 의미상별차이가없어서 주제가겹침.
총평-개선사항 1. Intro에 간략하게 단어형식으로 Body 1 & 2 에다가 무슨 논리를펼칠지 명시할것. 2. T.S(시작문장) 은 간결하게. 시작문장에 Detail을 다 넣어버리면 쓸말이없어요나중에 3. Body 2 첨삭하다가 그냥 그만뒀어요, 빠르게 스캐닝을 하면서읽는데도 이해가 안가는 문법적오류가 꽤나 있음. 4. Stimulate 이랑 Motivate 되도록이면같이쓰지마세요. 5. Essay 매일 쓰면 늘지만, 자신의문제점 보완없이 계속쓰면 노동이됩니다. 6. Essay 쓰시기전에 "나만의구조" 를 만들어보세요.
총평-장점 남들과다르게 "According to the professor, OO University, Research" 이런 예시로 무작정 글자채우기 및 주제고려하지않고 필터링하는거보단 개인적인 예시를 쓰시는게 훨씬 좋을꺼에요 점수에. 필자도 처음에 뭣모르고 연구,교수 Template? 쓰다가 23점에서 발목잡혔다가 Personal Example 구체화하더니 29점이상나오더라고요.. 하지만 첨삭자 마다 개개인의 취향과 스타일이 있기에 누가 정답이고 누가 오답인지 단정 지으시면 안됩니다. 앞서 언급했듯이, "나만의구조" 가 가장 중요해요!
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