▶ Your Answer : There are a lot of tasks for us, such as schoolwork and jobs. Some of them are very hard to achieve, while others have less pressure. Based on their experiences and understanding about the world, some people might say that it is preferable doing schoolwork or jobs which are is hard and to challenging ones. However, I personally believe that there are some people who are is more likely to choose easier works. As it is more efficient and allow themselves to relieve stress, they might prefer to doing less challengable tasks. ^ First of all, choosing easier work makes a result of improved work efficiency. It is obvious that focusing on diverse things are difficult. Therefore, just concentrating on one easier things can help them to manage it better. On the other hand, we can say that challenging works require us a lot of things to focus on. In most cases, it distracts us to manage it and achieve the goal. For example, I had a friend who registered too many credits for his first semester. He had such a so difficult time because of the pressure of homeworks and exams. As a result, he could not couldn’t get better grade than me even though his great ability. As we can see in this example, it is safe to argue that selecting less demanding works can develop efficiency. ^ In addition, we can relieve stress by choosing easier tasks. Most people will agree with the fact that the task which outweigh one’s ability will cause stress. If we choose much demanding works, some of them will not be managed by our ability. The stress we get from this can bring about serious healthy problem, as well. On the other hand, by doing easier tasks, I can relieve stress and clear my head. It will help me to pay more attention and make more effort for next works. According to the reseach which held by professor in KSA, which is an science academy, a large number of students who get a lot of stress said that the main cause of their stress was burden from too many schoolwork, which is hard and to challenging. ^ In conclusion, doing schoolworks or jobs that are easy to challenging ones lead to higher work efficiency, and less stress for the work. Therefore, I strongly contends that there are some people who prefer to do less demanding works.
Fair/Good (19-24)
서론 -토픽에서는 prefer A to B 해서 A를 B보다 선호한다는 뜻의 구문을 쓴것입니다. 이것을 hard to challenging ones 라고 쓰면 hard를 challenging 보다 선호한다는 뜻이므로 문맥상 어색한 표현입니다. 첫번째 본문 -that절 뒤에 주어 자리이므로 focus(동사) 보다는 focusing(동명사)가 적합합니다. -difficult time을 꾸며주는 것은 so 보다는 very, such a 가 더 적합합니다. -축약형 지양해주세요. couldn't-->could not -마지막에서, easier tasks 선택해서 효율성이 올라간 예시, 설명을 덧붙여 주시면 좋습니다.
내용면에서 본인의 주장을 더 설득력있게 전달하기위해 설명과 예시부분에서 보충해주세요. 또한 문법 실수도 연습해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~ |