▶ Your Answer :
As
the number of people who are interested in impact of the ride is increasing, we can find many different perspectives regarding the topic. Every year, in Korean society where I was born, it is worth discussing
whether Cars have made a greater impact on society than airplanes. In my opinion, cars have exerted more
influence on our society than airplanes.
To begin with, the vehicle industry is one of the most important
elements in the economy. To be specific, car industries led to the advancement of
related industries, such as steel and electronics. For example, a study was
conducted by Korea Economic Department, KED, to investigate the ratio
of companies producing vehicles among all of companies in Korea. The researchers tracked 1500
companies, and the result was very intriguing. One out of ten jobs in Korea is
related to the vehicle industry. Accordingly, cars are extremely influential on
our society in terms of its influence on the economy. - 구체성이 떨어지는 문장이 연속적으로 나타납니다. 기업 내 차 관련 기업의 비율에서 갑자기 10개 중 1개 직업은 차와 관련되어 있다는 내용으로 이어집니다. 해당 부분 검토하신 뒤 예시를 일관되게 정리해주세요.
On top of that, cars have responsibility for damaging our environment. As
we all know, when we are driving cars, many harmful gases are discharged from
our vehicles. This problem has caused many derivative problems. First matter is related to air pollution. respiratory problems. Breathing polluted air causes people to have respiratory problem
such as asthma. Also, harmful chemicals from cars build up in the atmosphere, and these
gases come down with the rain. According to Jean Piaget, who is one of the most
famous environment scientists, said that this acid
rain causes damage to crops and poisons drinking water. While air planes also produce
harmful gases, there are a profoundly greater number of cars in use than plane,
so cars have caused more harm to the environment than planes have.
To
sum up, cars brought a greater influence on our economic and have also led to
negative consequences for the environment than airplanes have. In this regard,
I strongly believe that cars have had
more influence on society than airplanes.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD
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FAIR | FAIR
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GOOD
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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