The average lifespan of people is increasing as medicine and medical
technology were developed, and people can take nourished food. This
means that much more old people are living in the world as a part of the
society. In this atmosphere, do the government and social leaders prepare to
make the better world for the old, and are the
old people are really able to enjoy their own lives? I believe that young people tend to enjoy their lives rather
than the old with the following two reasons.
First of all, young people have good better
physical abilities than old people. The old are physically limited to
participate in various kinds of exciting activities. For instance, when it
comes to outdoor activities such as climbing and skydiving, old people can be
in danger due to their physical limitations. For
the safety of the old, some kinds of dangerous
activities are not allowed to them.
On top of that, based on a research that was conducted by the professors
of Seoul University, the rate of committing suicide in old ages are higher compared to the young generation. The researchers
added that one of the reasons is that the old
people feel like they became useless in the society as they are not able to act
as an important parts of the society.
This social atmosphere leads that the old stick in their house and do the
choirs. In turn, they cannot enjoy their lives.
To conclude, the old people are
have a hard time to enjoying their lives with their restricted physical abilities and the social atmosphere that makes the old
generation do nothing worthy. Since the lifespan of people keeps going up, we
have to consider of the methods to help old people enjoy their lives by employing
them in companies or restaurants serving simple works.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
Overall Comment:
글의 포인트도 잘 잡아주셨고, 근거도 잘 대셨어요. 하지만 문법 실수가 잦고, 문장 구조의 난이도가 비교적 낮습니다. 조금 더 자연스럽고 다양한 표현들로 글을 치장시켜주시면 좋을 것 같아요.