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해커스 Actual Test Writing 2
When children growing to a matured person, it is required for them to be protected children under their parent’s appropriate discipline and consistent cares. Some people think parents should set strict rules on their child if they are to make them be successful in life. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If Ii were asked to choose one, I would say that children should set their life’s principle at by themselves their own will not by parents. Tthere are several reasons as follows.
To begin with, sSetting a goal by themselves broadens a child’s inner perspectives, which increases the possibility of successful life. By facing trial and errors, people usually acquires the important lesson learned from their own experience and hardship. As modern society is becoming increasingly complexed, children could not solve the problem easily if they are to pursue their parent’s rules when they are in trouble. Cchild can be better at struggling with problem by setting their goal themselves. when Ii was at student, Ii had to choose to what to major in university, and my parents told me to follow my guts and interest by having trial and errors. Aas a results, as an adults, Ii could really enjoy my study at university. Hence, this shows that facing hardship by themselves in order to succeed in life is a recommended way for children. '스스로 목표를 잡는 것'과 '엄격한 규칙을 지키는 것'은 개념이 달라요. 규칙은 지켜야 할 것에 대한 것이고 목표를 세우는 것은 이루어야 할 점을 정하는 것이니까 논점이 다릅니다.
Second, sStrict rules not moderate by parents can have a side effect on relationship between children and parents, which interrupts children’s emotional development. Tthe relationship with their parents is primary foundation if they want to succeed in their life. Tto be specific, a problematic relationship accompanies a stressful environment in family, which hinders chilren child from concentrating on their study. Aa research conducted by harvard educational study team shows that a bad relationship and atmosphere with their parents negatively affect has negative correlation ship wth children's child successful life. Tthis illustrates it is important to set rules not in a strict way but in a moderate way.
All things considered, Ii strongly believe that to have successful life for of children, it is imperative for children child to set life principles by themselves not by parents. Ffurthermore, if parents set rules, it should be in a moderate way not a strict way. waY
Writing 0–30 score scale Limited (1-16) Fair (17-23) ✓ Good (24–30)
부모의 엄격한 규범 설정이 아이들의 성공에 미치는 영향을 묻는 문제이니까 '규칙(규범)'에 초점을 두고 문제를 풀어주어야 해요. goal라는 단어 사용은 논점이탈의 우려가 좀 있고, '스스로 정해야 한다'라는 주장도 '엄격함'에 대한 답변이 되기는 어색하게 느껴질 수 있어요. 질문에 맞게 내용을 좀 더 보강해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 그리고 대소문자 오류, 철자오류, 문법오류가 너무 많아요. 꼼꼼하게 검토하면서 체크해주세요. 수고하셨습니다~!
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