Without doubt, planning is an important part of life. It is debatable whether it is essential for
young people to have the ability to plan and organize since modern life is very
complex. This is an intriguing question because opinions concerning this issue
can be different relying on the individual perspectives. If I have to
choose one, however, I would say that the young should learn how to plan and
organize their schedule. There are several reasons and examples as follows.
First of all, young people should have
capacity to plan their daily lives in order to avoid spending too much time on tasks. In other
words, if they do not organize their schedule, they would lavish their
invaluable time, which means that they would not have enough time to deal with
their jobs. For example, I will talk about my case. When I was a middle school
student, my elder sister and I decided to go on a trip to Japan. We were too
excited, and thus we did
not have any plan. When we arrived at Japan, I had to find our way. Of course, we
had no plan, we could not find which bus we had to ride. We spent most of time
on searching for bus, so we could not travel effectively. Had it been for
schedule, we would not have lavished our time on finding bus. Therefore, this
proves that people should have ability to plan in order to save their precious
time.
On top of that, time management is an
essential factor in success. In today's society, most companies choose people
with ability to manage their plan because time management is related to their
productivity. Thus, people with time management is more likely to succeed ss in
their lives. For instance, there was a poll conducted by a professor at Seoul
National University with 200 CEO as respondents. The purpose of this survey was
to determine the consensus view of which person is more competitive. What the
researcher found was intriguing. Most of respondents replied that they want
people who can manage their time effectively because their society is becoming
more complex. This shows that, these days people need ability to plan
and organize than ever before.
To sum up, I firmly believe that the
advantages of planning or organizing far outweigh its disadvantages. All things
considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been
efficiently and precisely delivered with the reasons I have mentioned above.
Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact on our future.
Good (24–30)
서론
-주어에 동사가 올수 없습니다. 동명사 형태인 planning 으로 써주세요.
-초록색 부분 같은 의미의 문장의 반복입니다. 하나만 써주세요.
첫번째 본문
-tasks가 어떤 tasks를 말하는 것인지 더 구체적으로 써주세요. 지금은 모호합니다.
-문장 두개 이을 때 등위접속사 써주세요. 이 경우에는 and 가 어울립니다.
-arrive at 전치사 같이 써주세요.
-본인의 이유 문장이 구체적으로 서술되지 않으니 예시와 어떻게 연결이 되는지 모호하게 밖에 이해가 되지 않습니다. 더 구체적으로 서술해주세요.
두번째 본문
-to + 동사. 따라서 success-->succeed
-내용 괜찮습니다.
첫번째 본문에서 이유와 설명 더 구체적으로 써주세요. 왜 시간 낭비를 하고, 무슨 일을 못하게 되고, 어떤 지장이 있는지 구체적으로 써주세요.
문법/표현 개선해주세요.
두번째 본문 내용 괜찮습니다.
개선할 부분이 있지만 전체적인 맥락과 표현은 괜찮습니다.
수고하셨습니다~~