It is evident that in our society, television has a tremendous importance
in our lives. Some people think that television is more effective if it is(중복입니다) used
to instruct people rather than entertain them, while others do not. I however,
believe that television should be used to entertain people. There are several
reasons to support my argument. So, I will limit to the two the most relevant
to the topic: the concept of role and effectiveness.
First of all, the most
important reason for my thinking this way is that television usually plays a
role of entertaining family members. Most of families have their own television
at home and place it in living room. That is because the living room is the most
proper place where every family member can get together for talking and enjoying
their life.(어색한 표현입니다)to talk and hang out. Television contributes brings joy to the family by providing fun and enjoyable
programs. Many families make themselves fun with their television. If television
only had provided educational programs, families would have had less chances to
laugh together. (어색한 표현입니다) spend time together.
Another reason why I
think this way is that because television is an appropriate medium to provide entertaining
contents to people. Compared with book and newspapers, television is better at
making people entertained because the television is able to provide colorful
contents, which move with catching sounds. Different kinds of contents such as
movies, comedies, or soup dramas can be provided via the television. Take my
friend, Ki-sub, for example. He is a big fan of the TV show Infinite Challenges. He
rarely smiles and laughs because he failed many times to obtain his job.(불필요한 내용입니다) However, whenever he talkeds about the TV show, he shows me his smile to me(어섹한 표현입니다) has always has a smile on his face.
Without the television, he would have been made a sad face all day.(불필요한 내용입니다) I cant imagine how he might feel if his favourite tv show got cancelled.
In conclusion, I believe
that the television is more effective when people use it as an entertainment device
for reasons such as role and effectiveness. All things considered, with the
reasons mentioned above, I believe that I have sufficiently and adequately
explained my position on the matters regarding the topic.
첨삭해 주시는 선생님들 항상 감사합니다.
이 주제는 너무 어렵네요.
A 또는 B 해야만 한다라고 하니, 브레인스토밍이 너무 어렵고 논리를 작성하기가 많이 어려운 것 같습니다. 이런 경우는 어떻게 하면 되는지 팁 같은게 있을까요?
Score: 19
Comments:
- 전체적으로 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다.
- 들여쓰기와 엔터 스페이싱 둘 중 한가지만 선택해서 써주시길 바랍니다.
- ("말하고 인생을 즐기다", "직장을 자주 잃어 자주 웃지 않느다", "나에게 미소를 보여준다","티비 없이 하루종일 슬픈 얼굴이었을것이다".) 쓰기 전 번역을 해서 어색한지 확인을 해주세요!
- role and effectiveness는 에세이와 관련 없는 주제입니다. 굳이 role and effectiveness로 나타내지 않아도 충분히 좋은 점들입니다.
- 이유1과 이유2가 비슷해서 아쉽습니다.
- 관사에 신경을 더 써주시길 바랍니다.
- 주제가 어렵지만 그럼에도 불구하고 논리적으로 타당성있게 설명해주셨습니다. 가장 아쉬운게 어색한 표현들입니다. 표현 같은건 외국 기사나 영화들을 참고해서라도 자연스럽게 쓰시는게 좋을것같습니다.