▶ Your Answer :
Some people may say that it
is essential to take a course such as art and music in school along with other subjects subsects like science sicence, math, and history. However, I have a different idea. I
firmly believe that students do not need to take class of music and art as a mandatory requirement course. There are two reasons to support my assertions. >space
To begin with, Sschool does should not require students to have art and music as a compulsory subject along with
other subjects because they can receive stress greatly. Demanding students to
take art class can make them stress stressed out enormously. This means that if students had have to study additional subjects, they would spend much time learning others,
which leads to burden of academic burden and stress. For example, I have a nephew named Tom who is 11
years old. A few days ago, I had chance to hear his daily schedule from his
mother. She said that he went to private academy academies of art and even music every
day after school, and come to home at 11 PM. This fact made me surprised. His
mother told me that in South Korea his schedule is a typical one compared others. I questioned whether Tom's life is happy or not. Actually, when I asked
him about health healthy and his feeling, he mentioned he had hard time living in life
because of additional course.
Second, students do not need
to have other courses like art with history and math class since art course is
generally not helpful for them to get a job in the future. Regardless of Unless students want to be professional musicians and artists in the future, music class is not an indispensable factors
to working in a company. For instance, many companies want to hire workers who
have practical knowledge and skill that to utilize in the real workplace. The students
who receive more education of utilitarian courses such as math and science are
likely to get a job easily. Even though music helps people to relieve stress or refresh
themselves, in reality, students would need essential subjects in order to make
use of real life. Therefore, Sstudents should not have music and art class
compulsorily along with other subjects.
To sum up, because taking music and art class causes students to get more stress
and those do not help students to get a job, students do not need to take music
and art courses. Therefore, I strongly believe that it is not beneficial for
students to take unnecessary courses.
Comment : 학생들에게 스트레스를 줄 수 있고 실질적인 도움이 되지 않는다는 주장을 잘 생각해주셨습니다. 내용이 매끄럽게 이어지도록 연결고리를 보완해서 설명 부분을 다듬고 문법오류 수정/보완해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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