▶ Your Answer : It is evident that in our society, co-work has a tremendous importance in our live. Some people think that people who are is able to work independently and creatively are more essential in current the contemporary society, while others do not believe this way. I, however, believe that current today's society requires people to have an ability to cooperate with others much more than ever before. There are several reasons to support my argument. So, I will limit to the two the most relevant to the topic: the concept of quality and scale. (Too general key point)
First of all, the most important reason for my thinking this way is that current contemporary society requires the quality of the works to be maintained in a highest level than ever. (Make it clearer) Common in society, the work quality can be managed and controlled by making more people participate the work. For example, mobile phones are the results of not only a huge number of software and hardware developers, but also numerous designers and factory workers. Without such a large human resources collaborating with each other, the modern mobile phones having a high quality such as Apple iPhone and Samsung Galaxy S would not have been existed in our society.
Another reason why I think this way is that most of the modern works have a huge size of their scale. In past, a craftsman could succeed in his or her own products. However, these days in current society, many products in the market cannot be made by only a person. Almost everything that we can see in every day life such as mobile phones, cars, and laptops are the results of cooperation of the people. (Same thesis with the above paragraph) Unlike past products, modern products are very complicated, so as to require many different kinds of experts who have accumulated knowledge on their own fields. Therefore, when many companies and university in modern society hire a person, they want those who can cooperate with others.
In conclusion, I believe that people who is able to work with others are more required in current society than it was before for reasons such as quality and scale. All things considered, with the reasons mentioned above, I believe that I have sufficiently and adequately explained my position on the matters regarding the topic.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 3 | Score | Limited 15-17 | - 핸드폰이 모든 다양한 사람들이 만들어낸 결과물 즉 합작이라는 포인트는 좋은데, 이러한 좋은 포인트를 표현해낼 수 있는 영어적 표현이 미흡하여 다소 아쉽습니다.
- 두 번째 논지는 첫 번째의 그것과 같네요. 다른 이유를 설정해주셔야 합니다.
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