▶ Your Answer :
It is
evident that in our society, education has a tremendous importance in our
lives. Some people think that parents should set strict rules for their
children if they want them to succeed in life, while others do not. I, however,
believe that strict rules are not necessary for children to obtain success.
There are several reasons to support my argument. So, I will limit to the two
the most relevant to the topic: the concept of responsibility and creativity.
The most
important reason for my thinking this way is that children who have strict
rules set by their parents cannot improve their own responsibility. Commonly in
society, responsibility is considered an essential quality for people who want
to lead their success. Therefore, having responsibility is very important.
However, strict rules cannot motivate children to improve their responsibility.
This reminds me of the a time when I was a middle-school student. My teacher was
quite strict and he forced the students to abide by his own rules such as
prohibiting not talking inside the classroom at any time. Since the students were
afraid of him, they just obeyed the rules. However, when if there were was no teacher in the classroom, the student we were yelling and chatting loudly inside the classroom, ignoring the rule. I think that
since the students were so suppressed, they lost their chances to improve their
own responsibility. If they had had a generous and wise teacher, they would
have been able to establish their own rules and follow the rule based on their
own responsibility. Then, they wouldn't yell inside the classroom regardless of
the existence of the teacher.
Another
reason why I think this way is that creativity is more important value for
children to succeed in their lives, rather than the strict rules set by their
parents. In particular, many universities and companies put their emphasis on the applicant's student's creativity when they choose their candidates. So, I believe that
parents do their best to improve their children to have an ability to create
something. 창의력을 기르는 것과 엄격한 규칙이 무슨 관련이 있는지가 정확히 설명되어야 할 것 같아요. 엄격한 규칙 하에 있으면 이러이러해서 아이들이 창의력을 기르기 어렵다, 하는 식의 설명이 필요해보입니다. Take Steve Jobs, for example. Even though he was adopted by their
step-parents, they encouraged Jobs to obtain his own opinion toward the world. I
believe that there are many reasons why Steve Jobs could obtain success. However, among many factors, it is clear that I
think his genius creativity helps him to make Apple iPhone and iPad series. If
he had obeyed only the rules set by someone, he wouldn't have been able to
invent such wonderful gadgets.
In
conclusion, I believe that strict rules set by their parents cannot give their
children to obtain important factors for success in life for the reasons such as responsibility and
creativity. All things considered, with the reasons mentioned above, I believe
that I have sufficiently and adequately explained on the matters regarding the
topic.
Comment : 주제와 내용을 잘 연결해주셨는데, 설명부분에서 논리가 어색한 부분은 보완을 조금 해주셔도 좋을 것 같습니다. 표현상 정확하지 않은 부분이나 오탈자도 함께 체크해두었으니 참고해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)
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