▶ Your Answer :
Some people might claim that having the
ability to plan and organize is not necessary for today’s young people.
However, I personally believe that it is important for the young to have the capacity
in order to survive in the complicated world. There are two reasons. First,
there are a lot of events which we cannot predict. Also, a well-developed plan
is one of the most essential factors of success.
To
begin with, in the complex world you live in, there are many unpredictable events,
especially ones that bring about harmful effects on you. To be specific, since people
cannot expect what might happen be happened, preparing for the future is absolutely
vital. If they organized for the future, they can minimize the loss or even avoid
the disaster. I will talk about myself and my cousin. I have been interested in
planning for the future, particularly financial aspect, since I was young.
Therefore, I could get over the fiscal accident caused by the unemployment and
eventually got a job with the help of my savings. Unlike me, my cousin always
spent all of his money on shopping for his appearance. A few years ago, he got
into severe car accident and he could not pay the medical bills. With the aid
of his parents, he barely managed to solve the problem. After his accident, I
realized that preparing the future plan is the golden rule.
On
top of that, everyone wants to succeed for better life. In particular, the
young people at today always struggle in order to improve their standard of
living. In an attempt to succeed in the complex world, planning blue-prints is
the most effective way, especially for young people who do not have the plan for
life yet. For example, Bill-Gates, who is the founder of Microsoft, is known to
be the richest man in the world. According to his autobiography I read a few
days ago, it is written that he might not have done anything without the
ability to plan. He always prepared several plans before he started new projects.
It is same for the Marc Zuckerberg, the founder of Facebook.
To
sum up, due to the fact that you cannot forecast what will happened to you, and
having the capacity to plan will be helpful for successful life, I firmly claim
that young people should strive to get the ability to plan and organize to live in the world of
complexity.
Fair (20-23)
첫번째 본문 -ones that 넣어주시면 더 내용 이해에 도움이 됩니다. -might+동사 원형 -세번째 줄에서, 미래/가정 문맥이므로 과거동사가 아니라 동사 원형을 써주세요. organized-->organize
두번째 본문 -way를 꾸며주어야 하므로 effect:명사, effective: 형용사 -내용이 예시에서 뚝 끊긴 느낌입니다. 뒤에 설명 더 보충해주세요.
결론 -to plan and organize가 결론에 강조되면 좋습니다.
두번째 본문이 첫번째 본문과 길이 균형도 맞지않고 내용이 중간에 끊긴 형식입니다. 더 보충해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~
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