▶ Your Answer : Some people think that the extended family is still very important as before. The term 'extended family' shows a traditional concept that many family members live living together in a house. In fact, I disagree with this opinion. I believe that the importance of the extended family has significantly decreased compared to the past.
To begin with, many people nowadays are busy with their own lives. As they become busier and busier, they have less time to spare for with their family members. For instance, my parents are always busy with their work and I spend most of my time on studies. When we have free time, my parents usually meets their friends and I hang out with mine. There are some parts that friends can understand more and give better solution to problems rather than family members so I personally think that the importance of friends has increased whereas that of families has decreased. 단순히 가족시간의 증가/감소가 아니라 '대가족'이라는 가족 형태의 중요성에 대한 질문이므로 현재 문단은 논점에 맞지 않습니다.
On top of that, many people tend to leave their hometowns in order to seek for more education and job opportunities. To be specific, those who live in countryside often feel that they can have more chances in cities in all aspects of living such as job and education. For example, students in countryside try hard to enter the universities in cities and urban areas, which can lead to good workplaces and conditions. When they finally get a chance to enroll at the university, they leave their families and move to cities. Therefore, even though people might have to be split with their family members, they often tend to choose to live in cities. 마찬가지로 대가족의 중요성과는 관련 없는 답변입니다. 대가족으로 살 필요가 '없어진' 현상에 대해 설명하고 과거만큼 대가족으로 사는 것이 중요하지 않다는 점으로 연결해서 주제와 이어질 수 있는 답안으로 발전시켜보시면 좋을 것 같아요.
In conclusion, since many people are busy with their own lives and choose to leave their hometowns and move to cities, I believe that the extended family is not as important now as before.
Comment : 대가족의 '중요성'이 줄어들었는지에 대한 문제이니까 대가족으로 살 필요가 없어졌다는 식의 내용이 필요합니다. 사람들이 가족과 시간을 잘 안 보낸다는 내용은 문제에 대한 답변으로는 논점이 맞지 않는 부분들이 있습니다. 문장표현이나 구성은 좋으니까 주제에 맞게 내용을 더 발전시켜주세요~ 고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) |