▶ Your Answer : [intro 한 문단으로 합쳐주세요]
Some people might say that friends do not have a
considerable effect on teenagers' life since they would think parents are the
most powerful factor to children.
However, in my own perspective, I firmly believe that
teenagers are more likely to be influenced by friends than others for two
reasons concerning that
they are usually at school and they prefer to share their
idea with their friends than with their parents or anyone else.
[body1 한 문단으로 합쳐주세요]
To begin with, teenagers they spend have most time with their friends.
Teenagers, nowadays, study from morning till night and some go to academy to
learn more.
For this reason, they cannot afford to have some time at
home. For example, my brother,. Song, was an obedient child when he was a little
kid.
It was not until when 2013 when he entered an elementary
school that he became a different person. He started imitating his friends as
he wanted to get along with them and they hung out every day.
Sometimes, he used swear words, so my parents tried to
correct him, but it did not work since my parents could see him for only 2
hours a day after school. At that time, I realized that friends are more
influential to each other than anyone. [body2 한 문단으로 합쳐주세요]
On top of that, they teenagers usually talk to their peers since they
can easily understand each other. I am sure that teenagers would like to have
more conversation with their friends as they get older given that they would
think their parents think differently from how than they think. do.
There was a poll conducted by Korean Board of Education in
2015 with 500 high school students as respondents. The purpose of this survey
was to determine whom teenagers prefer to talk to.
The result was so intriguing. The consensus view ranked
their friends over their parents. The overwhelming 95% of students responded
that they felt more comfortable to share their thought with their friends.
It is because parents usually do not listen to them and
force them to do something such as study. Moreover, students said that parents
would never understand them with generation gap.
This survey proved that teenagers can make a significant
impact on each other by chatting and sharing.
[conclusion 한 문단으로 합쳐주세요]
To sum up, teenagers do not have enough time to be
influenced by parents or other people, but their friends and, furthermore, it
is much more preferable for students to talk to each other than to anyone else.
In this regard, I strongly hold that young people can affect
each other most.
Comment : 단순히 친구와 시간을 많이 보내고 대화를 많이 한다는 점만 설명하는 것이 아니라 시간을 많이 보내는 것이 영향을 미치는 데 큰 요소가 된다는 것, 대화를 하는 것이 서로에게 영향을 미치는 데 중요한 역할을 한다는 것을 설명해야 '영향'이라는 질문에 대한 답변이 될 수 있습니다. 시간을 많이 보내는 것과 대화를 많이 나누는 것이 '영향을 미치는 것'과 무슨 관련이 있는지를 설명해서 주제와의 연관성을 더 잘 드러낼 수 있게끔 보완해주세요. 서론/본론/결론 각 문단 정돈해서 에세이 형식에 맞게 완성하는 부분도 신경써주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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