▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly,
friends play an important role in people's lives in many of the places where
they work or play. Some people think that, in order to be happy, it is more
important to maintain friendships with a small number of people over a long
period of time than to make many new friends easily. In my opinion, however, people
are more likely to be happy when they have the ability to make new relationships
with others. I believe this way for one main reason, which I will explore in
the following essay.
To begin with,
when people have a lot of new friends, it helps them to escape their boring
lives. Making new friends gives people the opportunity to experience something
different from what they would do in their usual routine. A new experience
tends to prevent people from getting stuck in their mundane existence. My
personal experience is a compelling example of this. 뒷부분 사례에서 happiness라는 주제가 잘 담겨 있지만, 우선 행복에 있어서 새로운 경험과 신선함이 중요하다는 대전제를 설명 내용에서 한 번 간단하게 언급해주면 설득력을 높이는 데 도움이 됩니다. 특히 본론이 하나로만 구성된 글이니까 논증 단계에서 필요한 연결고리들을 간단하게라도 언급해주는 편이 좋을 것 같아요. When I was in high school,
I often felt depressed thinking that my life became an exhausting routine. To
survive in a competitive world, I spent the whole day studying all academic
subjects, hoping that I could outdo others. In order to relieve stress, I spent
time with my old friends and had a chat with them a lot. However, I was not
able to feel any better because we always repeated the same activities and
talked about the same topics over and over again. Fortunately, I was able to
deal with pressure and stress by joining an international student club and
making new friends with club members from different countries. By spending time
with them, I was able to learn about other cultures and languages that I had
never been exposed to. As a result, I was able to let off some steam and began
to feel happier. If I had stuck to my old friends and not tried to develop new
relationships, I would not have been able to live a happy life.
In conclusion, I
firmly believe that being able to build new relationships with people is more
crucial in our lives than continuing friendships with a small number of old
friends. This is because hanging out with new friends exposes us to different
lifestyles and cultures, keeping our lives from becoming tedious.
Comment : 주제와 연결지어서 내용을 잘 만들어주셨어요. 모델에세이 응용을 적절하게 잘 해주신 것 같아요. 시간 여유가 된다면 사례를 제시하기 전 단계에서도 지루함을 벗어나는 것, 새로움으로부터 즐거움을 찾는 것 등이 행복에서 중요하다는 점을 간단하게 강조하는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 설명 단계에서 논증을 1차적으로 끝내고 사례로 뒷받침하는 편이 설득력 면에서 더 유리할 수 있어요. 전체적으로 문제 요구사항을 충분히 잘 반영해서 구성해주신 좋은 답변입니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4.5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |