▶ Topic : It is better for young people to select a job in the same field as parents than to choose a different career?
Without doubt, job selection plays a significant role in people's daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that selecting a job in the same field as parents is better than choosing a different career, while others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their own views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that having a the same job with parents' is good for young adults. There are several reasons as follows.
To begin with, parents could be a good helper in the job field. Young adults often run into difficulties when they work. When young people work with their parents, they could learn the know-hows of working, depend on their parents mentally, and improve the range of understanding their working position. For example, Seoul National University found a huge difference between two groups of young adults. One group consisted of those who have had the same occupation with their parents', while the other group was made up of those who did are not. The researchers found that the former had a higher satisfaction level satistifaction than the latter by 15 percent. This is mainly bB ecause their loved ones onse werwere always willing to help them. Therefore, they devoted to young people to do their work well, understood their problems and taught know-hows to them. This is implies that the young adults could learn many things from their parents directly, indirectly by choosing the same job as their parents.
In addition, selecting a job in the same field as parents helps them in realistic aspects. realistic aspects라는 말은 너무 피상적입니다. 구체적으로 어떤 부분에서 이점이 되는지 밝혀주세요. These days, young adults need a plus factor in life above their ability such as networking. Networking plays a vital role in one's surviving competitive society, and young people could get networking network more easily by using their parents' networking. For instance, my sister was a shy woman, and she could not make a variety of networking networks in university. However, she could get more networking after working in sales business part with my father. My father started to introduced her to a lot of his clients and she could make good relationship with them. This could have positive impact on her work performance. Without my father, it might had been is difficult for her to get new network. networkings. '업무에 도움이 되는' 인맥이라는 점을 강조해주세요. 단순히 인맥이 생긴다고만 표현하면 주제인 직업과 동떨어진 내용으로 보일 수 있습니다.
All things considered, I strongly believe that the advantages of selecting a the same field of job with parents' far outweigh those of choosing a different job from with parents'.
Comment : 직업적 성취도와 인맥 형성 면에서 주장을 제시한 것은 아주 좋은 아이디어 같아요. 내용을 설명할 때 구체적이지 않거나 논점을 흐릴 수 있는 부분들 위주로 더 보완해주세요. 문법오류가 많아서 전달력이 약하다는 점이 아쉽습니다. 수일치, 시제일치, 품사 사용 등 어법에 맞는 문장을 구사할 수 있도록 신경써주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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