▶ Your Answer : My uncle always said that people who work
at the field where is not necessary knowledge from the college to work needed
not to attend the college (이 부분에서 하고자 하는 말이 무엇인가요? 무슨 말을 하려고 하는 것인지 이해 할 수 가 없습니다). Like my uncle, many people maintain that the university
or the college is not necessary to succeed, so people need not to attend
college or university (여기서 하고자 하는 말이 학생들에게 대학은 성공의 길을 열어주는 곳이 아니다라는 것을 말하려고 하는 것 인가요?). However, I disagree this idea. I believe that the
student, whether they work at the field where at first glance the knowledge
from college is not necessary or not, should attend the college or university. There
are several reasons that could validate this view. for the following two subsequent reasons. (인트로가 너무 장황합니다 인트로에서 해야하는 것은 이 에세이의 방향성을 말해주는 것이기 때문에 이렇게 길게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
One of the bases is that the knowledge which
we learn from the college is useful and high-quality knowledge. This means that
it is hard to learn, but many people want person who has knowledge like it (무슨 말을 하려고 하는 것인가요?). For
example, my friend first work at the factory. At that time, because he had not
gone to the university, he worked with being paid a little. One day, he got the
injury while working with the machine. However, his boss discharged him because
there were many people who could replace my friend. After then, my friend started
studying and went to the university. He was major in economy. And he graduated
the university. After he got the degree, he could work with high payment, and
his boss could not fire him easily because his knowledge about economy was rare
in his workplace, and it was not easy to find a person who can replace him. Now
my friend become a director and he enjoys his life. In this regard, the
knowledge which many people can learn from the university enables people to
enjoy happy life with high-payment.
Possibly, one more cause exists in the reality
that attending the college enables people to make good connections with smart
people. In response to this view, many expert opinions and research statistics
reinforce the idea that there are more people who are smart or can be expected to
succeed in the university than other place. In this regard, if somebody attends
to the university, he can get more opportunity to be friend with nice person. Therefore,
attending the college enables people to make good connections.
Every aforesaid argument implies that we can conclusively
say that attending the college can bring us a lot of benefits. We can enjoy a
happy life with high salary and without worrying about being discharged or make
good connections with smart people.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 18 일단 이 에세이의 문제점은 전체적으로 정리가 덜 되었다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 정리가 덜 되었다라는 느낌이 드는 것 중에 하나는 각 문장들이 무슨 말을 하려고 하는 것인지 잘 모르겠는 듯한 부분들이 많습니다. 문법도 뒤죽 박죽일 뿐만 아니라 정리가 덜 되어 있기 때문에 자신의 의견 또한 잘 보여지지가 않습니다. 이러한 부분 때문에 에세이 자체가 장황하게 변하는 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |