■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
|
|
▶ Topic : Do you agree or disagreee with the statement? There is no better way to get to know a country than by going to museums. |
|
|
▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe that there is no better way to get to know a country than by going to museums. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, I think travelling is more efficient to learn about new countries to learn new country, traveling is the best choice (I는 너무 구어체 입니다 이유에 알맞는 표현을 서술하시길 바랍니다). To be specific, if we go to a trip to the country, we get to actually see and feel the place in various aspects see and feel the place in various aspects (동사가 두 개가 됩니다). This is something we can't learn about in museums, reading the explanation about remains cannot learn when visiting museums (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다). For example, let's say you people (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다) want to study England. Planning a trip to England includes searching for background knowledge, and making routes for your trip. Moreover, you can sign up for a tour guide, which can help you learn about England's history while actually being there. All of this process would help you get to know about England in overall.
On top of that, museums usually provide information about the past. This is because museums Museums (설명 부분에서는 this is because는 적절치 않는 표현입니다) only show historical parts of the country. Since knowing a country well doesn't mean knowing the history of it does not lead to knowing the history, going to museums is not the best idea to understand a country. Let me bring up my personal story as an example. Before For example, before (let me bring up~표현은 너무 구어체 입니다) visiting Japan, I thought I would not like Japan because of the hostile relationship that Japan and Korea had for a long time. By going to various museums, I knew Japan was very hostile to Korea. However, I found out that Japanese were Japanese was (Japanese는 단수 명사입니다) very friendly and kind to me, even though they knew the fact that I was Korean. Through this experience, I could learn that history is not all that counts. In conclusion, visiting the country is more effective to know about a country, and museums have limited information of the country's present. In this regard, I believe that there are better ways to get to know a country than going to museums.
점수: 22 일단 각 단락들이 서로 문제가 존재하는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우는 제가 지적한 부분을 보셨듯이 어색한 표현들과 문법적 오류들이 많습니다. 제가 첨삭한 것을 토대로 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 주제를 벗어 났습니다. 주제에 맞는 이유와 예시를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. (319 words) |
|
마지막 바디 쓸때 시간이 너무 촉박해서 급하게 썼더니 어휘가 많이 딸렸네요ㅠㅠㅠ 내용도 약간 오프토픽인 것 같습니다,,엉엉