▶ Your Answer : The reality people often encounter shifts an individual's experience. It is ironic to think an experience itself is affected by their past experiences. However, consider how experiences distort, misrepresent, and transform the reality people perceive, it seems clear the experiences can make differences in people's perspective. To prove one's perspective true, one should be able to justify his or her viewpoint and overcome objections. Though many people see this topic as it is better than jobs with more vacations and low salary, my perspective is it is more important to jobs with high salary and less vacation. The concept of motivation and health clearly show this theme. one should have a job which has higher salary with less vacation for the following two subsequent reasons.
First of all, earning high salary can improve one's motivation in life. This is because, as they can buy a lot of things that they just imagined, earning a lot of money promotes healthy competition among people. This is a facilitator which motivates them to improve themselves to improve people. They will make more effort, concentrate more and feel more responsible for what they do. Therefore, this can bring about better outcomes at work. For example, my brother, a high school teacher used to be negligent and lost interest in his job because he could not earn high salary despite having a lot of vacation. However, after he quit the job he became private tutor who earns more money depending on the number of students. He had changed little by little. He started to spend more time working and had enthusiasm for teaching. This was because my brother wanted to earn more money and felt more competitive with other tutors.
Second, low salary is too stressful for people. This is mainly because, as modern society has highly increased product prices, they who earn low salary cannot buy something that they want to buy, even if they have a lot of time. This situation will stress them out. In fact, stress is one of the primary factor of illnesses because it weakens the ability of the immune system fighting for diseases. For instance, my father, a doctor of a general hospital of Korea often tells me that many of his patients who earn low salary suffer adverse health affect from stress caused earn less money despite having many spare time. They come to him for stress-relative ailments. He has found the relationships between stress and human diseases such as high blood pressure, insomnia, and carotid artery thrombosis. In this sense, it is healthful for people to earn high money.
Truth must settle at some point; only one perspective survives, and the rest subsided into history. In such a case, one must ceaselessly refine his view until it is finally accepted as truth. I have corroborated my perspective on this topic it is better than jobs with high salary and less vacation with motivation and health. It is time for a settlement.
Good: 24~30 점수 :27 지적할 부분이 없는 독립형 에세이입니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요한 부분을 차지하는 것 중에 하나는 에세이가 얼마나 설득력 있나 인데. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우는 설득력 부분에 있어서는 잘 서술한 거 같습니다. 특히 인트로 부터 각 단락이나 결론 까지 자신이 무엇을 말하려고 하는 지를 잘 알 고 있는 에세이인거 같습니다. 이러한 느낌이 드는 것은 각 단락이 구체적으로 잘 설명하는 것 때문에 그런 거 같습니다. 잘 서술하였습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |