▶ Your Answer :
A person who plans well and work carefully is more likely to succeed than a person who takes risks. Some people think that person who plans well and work works (person은 단수 주어 입니다) carefully is more likely to succeed that a person who takes tasks can become more successful in comparison to those who always take risks. However, in my opinion, getting risks need people in this world for the following few reasons. can lead to successful life for the following two subsequent reasons. First of all, nowadays population is more and more than last few centuries has increased. Therefore facing to competition facing competition is inevitable when they live in this world. To survive in this world of endless competition, people ought to take risks. Everyone is aware that being successful by taking risky works is a like camel passing through the eye of a needle nowadays. But, However, one's ability can be clouded by other's abilities so in order to stand out people must get risk. For example, when I was in high school, I wanted to enroll the college, Seoul National University. However, the university requires a subject that is Korean History and I did not well this subject. Although I did not have confidence, I need doing it because I want to enroll this college I had to study in order to enroll. Eventually, I got the perfect score in this subject, I enrolled the school. (이 예시와 본인의 이유와 무슨 관련성이 있는지 모르겠습니다) Second, many people want to know who get the successful life in this work where there person who plans well and work carefully and who takes risks. Thus, a study was conducted by Harvard Human Medical Center whether taking risky works could get more successful like than taking work carefully. There are two groups monitored. The first group is consisted of people who got the risky works. And they were asked to take tests to measure their level of quality of life. The other group was formed of people who take carefully works and given the same direction. The researcher compared the outcomes and recorded that the former groups lies on high quality life than the latter group. This is because high risk, high return to them. This study demonstrate that when people get high risk they could more opportunity to get successful life. become more successful. To sum up, in this world population is so higher than last few centuries so people need to prepare to competition and need being stand out in this endless competitive society, to survive, people have to prepare competition and stand out from others. In this regard, I think that people get more risky works that can gives back to high returns for the I mentioned above.
점수: 24 일단 내용면에 있어서는 잘 서술된 거 같습니다. 하지만 지금 이 에세이는 각 단락들이 문제점을 가지고 있습니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 예시가 주제와 전혀 관련성이 없습니다. 주제에 초점을 두면서 예시를 선정하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 이유가 명확하게 나도지 않았습니다. 이유를 구체적으로 명시하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |