▶ Your Answer :The consensus seems to be that career of place of residence is the most important for happiness. However, in my opinion, there should be more emphasis on relationships rather than what people do or where they live. There are two reasons. First, it is crucial that there is one who can help you. Second, one can relieve his stress through being with others. for the following two subsequent reasons. (이미 이유에서 설명을 다 할 것이기 때문에 굳이 인트로에서 길게 설명할 필요가 없습니다)
To begin with, most people feel nervous when they have a problem but there is nobody who can help them. it is crucial to have people who can lend you a hand when you in trouble. Your family and friend are assets in your life like people say “You cannot buy people with money.” Nowadays it makes perfect sense that having a good relationship has become the rite of passage to be happy. For example, in my case, when I was in a college, there was an accident to my parents and I had to go to hospital quickly. However, my car was not worked. Thanks for my friend James, he borrowed his car and I was able to go there soon. With my friend’s help, it was possible for me to get out of the trouble. On top of that, meeting people is one of the best way to get rid of stress. To explain, Many people spend their rest time with their families or friends and feel relax and comfortable. Nowadays people are worn out not only physically but also mentally. Things can easily go wrong when people are under stress. That is why having outlet for stress is meaningful itself. It helps one regain energy and continue the work. By spending time with close people they can not only relieve their stress but also get back on track and concentrate on it. A Study conducted by the Center of Happiness Studies Seoul National University is a good example of this. The researchers tracked the habits of 200 students over a 3 year period, in order to find out relationship between being with their friend and stress. What they found was intriguing. The students who spend 2 hours with their friends felt better than those who spend 2 hours alone. The reason was that as they spent time with their familiar friends, the cortisol which is known as stress hormone became lower. Thus, this study demonstrates that spend time with friends can relieve stress. To sum up, you can ask your friends for some help when you in trouble. Moreover, whether you are with your friends or not affect your hormone. In this regard, I firmly believe that good relationship is the most important element to be happy for the reasons I mentioned above.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 너무 구어체로 에세이를 서술하신거 같습니다. 구어체로 에세이를 서술하는 것 보다는 좀 더 에세이 문향에 맞게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 독립형 에세이에서는 you를 사용 하면 안됩니다. 이인칭 주어로 에세이를 서술하는 것 보다는 삼인칭 주어로 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 두 번째 단락이 너무 장황합니다. 장황하게 서술하여서 에세이로 하여금 플로우를 방해하기 때문에 좀 더 간결하게 자신의 의견을 잘 보여줄 수 있는 부분만 서술하는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |