▶ Your Answer : | These days, there is a debate concerning about with (전치사를 잘 못 할용하였습니다) whether it is sometimes acceptable to infringe upon people's freedom. And, in my opinion, I truly believe that being acceptable to infringe kinds of personal freedom must be really dangerous in the society for the following two sequent reasons However, in my opinion I believe one should not infringe on freedom for the following two subsequent reasons. . To begin with, to be acceptable to infringe the individual freedom can affect lots of social members negatively infringement negatively affects on human. According to my little brother, John always argues that all members are filling feel (지금 이 에세이는 이유를 좀 더 구체적으로 설명을 하고 난 후 예시로 넘어가는 것이 필요해 보입니다) uncomfortable and angry because of Jack, his dance club's leader. Even though almost every member wanted to choose the pop songs for dancing performance, the leader just leads members to choose the other kinds of songs because he dislikes the pop songs chose other genre based on his preference (과거형으로 시작한 예시는 모두 과거형으로 서술하시길 바랍니다). In this situation, we can determine that to infringe the freedom, such as being free to choose the song can affect lots of people to feel bad and unsatisfied. infringement hinders own preference (지금 이 예시는 주제를 벗어난 거 같습니다) On top of that, being allowed to infringe individual freedom can cause the situation that one person exploit people in the specific groups to get his or her own profit one can exploit other people to earn higher profit. infringing the freedom means that people cannot express the personal opinions and they just follow someone due to lacking of their freedom Upon infringing, people do not have a right to express their opinion or thoughts. In this situation, a specific member, such as a leader in the company or a person who are the strongest member in the group can control people to get the profit. And also, a lot of people already experienced the situation that the strongest leader just uses their members by exploiting their results of tasks to get much money (이 문장이 너무 장황하고 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다). According to the professors from Tokyo University, they said (according to 뒤에서는 그냥 바로 의견을 설명하는 것이 좋습니다) eighty-two percentages of people who are working in the company have felt uncomfortable because of the situation infringing their freedom. Lastly, taking all these points into the account, I already have raised that being allowed to infringe upon people's freedom can cause the negative effects to many members in the society, and also, it can cause the specific situation that one person exploits people for the profit limiting freedom can not only bring about negative impact on human but also exploit lower classes. This does not mean that I completely ignore the advantages of being acceptable to infringe personal freedom, but the disadvantages are too severe to consider its merits. So, I want to say that being acceptable to infringe upon people's freedom is not great for the society. Therefore we should not infringe upon people's liberty.
점수: 21 일단 전체적으로 자신의 주장이 결여되고 장황하게 에세이가 서술되었다라는 느낌을 받는 독립형 에세이입니다. 특히 어색한 표현들이 많아서 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 파악이 되지 않는 부분들이 많습니다 제가 지적한 부분을 주의하면서 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 지금 이 에세이는 infringing을 너무 반복되서 서술하는 거 같습니다. 좀 더 다른 표현으로 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. | | |
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