To begin with, a lot of people come to my community to enjoy their time as a travel. But, if my community seems too filthy and unsanitary in the viewpoints of traveler, my community's reputation and evaluation will be low. So, I am willing to dedicate my effort to my community by cleaning a lot of environments in my community. Since it gives us an image of hygiene and higher sophisticated quality. For instance, When I was a 15, I did cleaning a park with my friends in order to increase my hour of volunteer work. And after the cleaning. my all of my classmates and my neighbors admired and credited me and my friends because the number of people who go to the park was increased due to more cleaned looks. If I didn't clean my village's park, It would seem dirty for a longer time.
On top of that, in the process of cleaning, we have to classify a lot of rubbish and it can economically be helpful for my community. This is because, by classifying a lot of rubbish, we can conserve our tax to make many products. Since a recycling technique has been developed in recent society. So, what I mean is that our government can invest a lot of money in a different section. For instance, according to an experiment of Tokyo University, when a factory makes a lot of plastic product, a large amount of exhaust is excreted. What I want to say with the above experiment is that I can prevent a global warming problem by helping my community classify a lot of trash since they don't have to make the product by using recycled stuff.
To sum up, my village's environments will give us a sanitary image. Also, we can conserve our money and prevent a lot of problems. In this regard, I will execute cleaning to improve my community.
점수: 17/30
1. 레이아웃이 상당히 지저분합니다. 불필요한 엔터가 너무 많이 쳐져있고 tab 버튼으로 들여쓰기도 안 되어 있습니다.
어디가 인트로고 어디가 바디인지 구별이 안 갈 정도로 구분이 잘 안 되어 있습니다.
레이아웃을 깔끔히 정리하는게 가장 먼저 드릴 피드백 같습니다.
2. 문법이 깔끔하지 못합니다. since는 연결어나 다른 구가 붙지 않는 이상 문장을 만들 수 없습니다.
단독으로 문장을 만들려 하지 마시고 because와 비슷한 느낌으로 이유를 설명하는 느낌으로 다른 phrase에 연결해서 붙여주세요.
3. 대소문자 구별 확실히 해주세요.
4. conclusion 분량 3문장 이상으로 맞춰주세요.
수고하셨습니다. *^^*