▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that the government
should the government should make schools give more salaries to professors to
improve the quality of education. However, in my opinion, it is better to spend
on money on other things such as protecting the environment.
To begin with, it is experiences, not
knowledge that make students success in modern society. (Clarify the meaning) Big companies no longer require a wide variety of knowledge, now they require a variety of
experiences. I believe that experience is one of the most essential factors of
success in this world. Imagine people only have textbook knowledge. Their view
will be so narrowed. By experiencing in field work not at school, students can
not only gain diverse experiences but and also broaden broach their horizon of the world.
For example, when I was in college, a friend of mine has always remained 1st
rank in school from freshman to senior. However, she did not have any internship
experiences and know about how to work in workplace. After graduation, she has struggled
finding a job. In my case, I could be hired by a big company because I have had
a lot of experiences in the field work, although my academic records were are poorer
than her. It has such a huge influence on me that it is experiences, not
knowledge that makes students success in modern society.
In addition, there are too many problems in
this world; the government should save money by not giving more salaries to
professors to improve the quality of education. (Awkward sentence) To explain, the environment
should never come second place. Once, the environment is destructed, it cannot
be recovered. If we think about the next generation to come, we must do everything
we can to protect the environment. In this regard, the government should spend
money on protection the environment. For instance, in 2009, the government did
not pay attention to the environment and abused. (Which government?) Since then, the environment
included Han River and 4th river was gradually destructed, it cannot recover
again. (What does it mean?) Also, this problem makes the other problems such as impeding the
agriculture and emitting smell bed. It has been being a serious problem until
now. This example clearly illustrates that the government spend money on
protecting environment.
To sum up, it is experiences, not knowledge
that make students success in modern society. Moreover, there are too many
issues except for education such as protecting environment, thus the government
has to save money. In this regard, I firmly believe that the government should
not make schools give more salaries to professors to improve the quality of
education for the reasons I mentioned above.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 2 | Score | Limited 15-18 | - 인트로에서는 protecting environment 하나 만의 이유로 제시가 되어있어요. 바디에 있는 이유 모두를 언급해주셔야 합니다. - 첫 번째 내용의 핵심 내용인 experience와 salary to professor는 긴밀하게 연결되어 있지 않네요. - 두 번째 environment 내용 역시 문장들이 모호하게 제시되어 있으며 주장을 유추하기 어렵습니다.
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