▶ Your Answer : A large number of people might argue that students are more influenced by their teachers than by their friends because teachers can teach children a lot of things. Contrary to popular belief, I think that students consider friends more important than teachers so they are more impacted by their friends for two reasons which I will explore in the following essay.
First of all, students are more affected by their friends than teachers. This is due to the fact that they spend much time with their friends. 이게 첫 문장으로 나왔어야합니다. 무조건 첫 문장은 자신의 주장을 clear하게 드러낼 수 있게 시작해야 합니다. When they enter schools, they can meet many friends there, and start to talk about a lot of things with them and play fun games. They tend to be with their friends not only in classroom, but also outdoor such as park. On the other hand, students can only meet teachers when they teach, which makes students feel more intimate with friends than teachers. My youngest brother can be illustrated to prove this point. When he was in high school student, his grade was so high that his teachers highly expected him and wanted him to enter a Ivy League school. However, he met girlfriend who did not study hard at very important period. He was enormously influenced by her. He started to get absent school often. School teachers was concerned with him and persuaded him to come to school as he did the past but my brother did not care about it completely. This story implies that teenager students tend to be influenced by their friends, not teachers.
In addition, students like their friends since they have similar habits and this allows them to care more about their friends. Same age students can interact with each other quiet easily by communicating with friends about their interests. They usually talk about celebrities, dogs, foods and so on. However, there are limited topics that students can talk about with older people easily. For example, When I was in elementary school, I had difficulty taking with adults because I had no topics to share with them. On the other hand, I liked being with my frinds because they had similar interests. 앞 paragraph와 뒤 paragraph간의 내용 길이 balance를 조금이라도 맞추면 좋을 것 같습니다. 앞이 예를 들어 7-8문장정도 되면 뒤 paragraph도 길이 비슷하게 써주세요.
In conclusion, as I mantioned above, i firmly believe that students are more influenced by their their friends than teachers. All in all, the importance of friends cannot be underestimated in life.
conclusion에서 끝 마무리할 때 그냥 mentioned above보다는 정확하게 무슨 이유들인지 paraphrase해서 작성해주는게 좋습니다. 어휘가 많이 기본적인 편입니다. 조금 더 다양한 표현 쓸 수 있도록 공부 조금 더 하거나 자기만의 어휘 몇 개 정리 해두는거 도움 정말 많이 됩니다 |