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Parents spend time with their children in various ways, with activities ranging from helping with their schoolwork to going on a trip together or playing sports. However, considering the positions parents have in their children's lives, it is more adequate that parents spend their time playing games or sports together, rather than dedicating effort to help them with academics, as meaningful memories matter more to children, and because schoolwork is better done alone. First of all, the emotional rapport children create with their families during enjoyable activities are paramount to children's growth. Whereas schoolwork can and should be done independently, playing games or sports require other participants. While children may spend time with their peers doing such activities as well, children should also spend enough time with their parents, and playing games, sports, or other enjoyable occasions are the best and easiest way parents can spend time with their kids. I am able to understand how important the role of parents is during childhood on a personal level, as I have gone through my early years without much positive memory associated with my parents. Always having been at work, they only had enough time to check on me on how well I was doing at school and help me with homework. As I wasn't very excited about schoolwork and as conversations with my parents were often of this matter, I began to resent spending the little time I had with them. I always feel that my relationship with my parents would have been much closer if it hadn't been so oriented on schoolwork, instead of simply having a good time together. Moreover, children are better off delving into academics themselves rather than seeking extensive support from parents. Once parents start intervening in their children's academic pursuits directly, it will be hard for them to refrain from going further to aid their children with the intention of helping them do better, unintentionally resulting in situations where children may have little room left for making improvements on their own and learning in the process. On top of that, when children confront obstacles that they simply cannot surmount on their own, they can consult their teachers at school, who will do a better job on educating students in the academic field. The role that parents having related to children's education should be limited to the extent of providing them with proper educational opportunities and encouragement. To sum up my points, since positive and memorable interactions with one's parents are extremely important, and schoolwork is most meaningful when done independently, it is better for both parents and the children for parents to concentrate more on enjoying games or sports together rather than on children's schoolwork.
어휘 최대한 다양하게 쓰려고 하신 점 눈에 보여 너무 좋았습니다. 이렇게 표현/숙어 외워두는 것 좋습니다. 그리고 가끔 --하고--한 무엇 이렇게 뭔가를 설명하기 전에 그 앞에 형용사를 2개씩 반복해서 붙이는 경우가 있는데 한개만 써도 표현 제대로 되니 반복은 최대한 피해주세요. 주장 자체는 좋은데 가끔 주장에 대한 설명이 약간은 너무 장황하게 느껴질때가 있습니다. 무조건 concise하고 clear하게 적을 수 있도록 해주세요 |