▶ Your Answer : Some people think that mobile phone has not impact on people's liberty did not have a great impact on people's liberty. However, in my opinion, smart phone enables people to be more free. This is because people are able to get information and contact with others regardless of place. to become more liberated for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, people can easily find the information they want by using mobile phone smart phone allows people to find information easier (단락에서 첫 번째 이유를 서술할 때 중요한 부분만 간결하게 전달하는 것이 좋습니다). In the past, people should go to had to go to library to search for information and materials, but people today freely acquire the information they need regardless of time and places through smart phone However, nowadays regardless of time and places people can swiftly find information through smart phone. For example, I was in college when I was in college, I should write a report for one of my classes. I took many classes at that time and did a lot of homework, so I did not have enough time to write a report. However, I was able to submit a report in time due to my smart phone. By using my phone, I had easily access could easily access to the information related to the report whenever I want. If I had lived in age without smart phone, I would have had trouble with writing report. Without smart phone I would have confronted with a lot of trouble.
On top of that, mobile phone makes people contact with others regardless of their location regardless of location people can contact with different people. The reason is that people are able to connect with others who even live abroad by utilizing functions of mobile phone such as international roaming service or social network service who are far away For instance, when I was in twenties, I traveled in Paris. I made a friend who came from China there, and we were closed eating delicious food and seeing beautiful sceneries. When I parted from him, I felt sad. However, thanks to smart phone, I still keep in touch with him. If I had not had a smart phone, I would not have contacted with him.
To sum up, mobile phone enables people to obtain the information easily and to contact with others freely. In this regard, I firmly believe that people have more freedom owing to mobile phones.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 일단 이 에세이에서의 문제점은 너무 길게 풀어나갈려고 하는 것입니다. 문장을 길게 서술하려 하다 보니 자기가 원하는 데로 정보가 전달되지 않는 거 같습니다. 제가 첨삭한 것을 보셨듯이 이렇게 길게 막 서술하는 것 보다는 간결하게 자신이 하고자 하는 말만 하고 설명을 구체적으로 하는 것이 독립형 에세이에서는 자신의 의견을 전달하는 것에 있어서는 더 효과 적입니다. 이러한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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