▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, free time plays a significant role in people`s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. There are many activities: gaining practical work experience, learning to play a sport, and learning to play a musical instrument. Respective sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that young adults aged between 14 and 18 can benefit most from learning to play a sport. There are several reasons as follows for the following two subsequent reasons. To begin with, when people learn to play a sport, it can help people improve their physical health. It can develop their muscles, speed up their metabolism, and burn calories. This is likely to prevent These activities prevent them from getting sick or overweight. For example, my younger brother used to suffer from diabetes and obesity. However, his health has improved after he started learning to play started to learn how to play tennis at a nearby tennis club after school. He gained some muscle mass and had better control of his blood sugar. If he had not exercised, his physical condition would not have been able to improve. have improved. In addition, when people learn to play a sport after school, they can learn how to mingle with people from different backgrounds. It provides a friendly atmosphere where they mix with people they would not ordinarily meet. Such an atmosphere is likely to help them to acknowledge that different values exist, to understand this diversity and to ultimately be comfortable with it helps people to acknowledge that there are different cultures and thoughts among different people. For example, when my oldest sister was in high school, she saw one of my classmates from Ethiopia eating his meal with bare hands. she felt very uncomfortable by his behavior because it was her first time seeing someone like that. She kept my distance from him and sometimes made fun of him. Although she worked with an African at cafeteria after school, she did not understand him because they were so busy and he did poorly in cafeteria. Also, when she participated in orchestra activities with a friend from Ethiopia on the weekend, she rarely talked to him because they spent all time on practicing play. However, after spending free time after school on playing baseball with some of my African friends in a baseball team, she got used to this cultural difference. she realized that they just had different eating lifestyles. In fact they had a lot in common in a way that they all cared about their family and friends, were committed to relationships, and got easily hurt by what others say. she no longer feel awkward and can make friends with them. All things considered, I firmly believe that the advantages of learning to play a sport far outweigh those of all the other options, such as gaining practical experiency by working part time job and learning to play musical instrument for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of learning to play a sport cannot be overestimated in life.
점수: 23 일단 두 번재 단락은 너무 불피하게 에세이를 많이 서술하였습니다. 독립형 에세이에서는 단락의 균형이 중요합니다. 지금 이 에세이는 첫 번째 단락은 간결하게 서술하였는데 두 번째 단락은 길게 서술하였습니다. 따라서 균형에 맞게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 두 번째 단락은 주제를 벗어난 거 같습니다. 특히 예시 부분이 주제와의 관련이 없이 너무 장황하게 서술하였습니다. 간결하게 개연성을 잘 보여줄 수 있는 예시를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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