▶ Your Answer :
It is debatable whether it is better for students
to take classes for more than 11 months throughout the year. This is intriguing
question because opinion regarding this issue can be different relying depending on individual
perspectives. In my opinion, however, I support that it is bad for students to
take classes for more than 11 months throughout the year for the following two subsequent reasons.
First
of all, taking classes for more than 11 months should not be implemented in
order to avoid adding pressure in their already busy schedule such tight schedule adds more pressure to students. To be specific, there
are many responsibilities and obligations in school, which makes them tired and
inefficient. Many students are busy with their life full of tasks such as working
part-time job, team project and so on and team project. They can successfully multitask and stay
focuses at the same time only if they keep a balance on their daily lives. From
my personal experiences, when I was younger, remaining in school at 10p.m was
mandatory. With my jam-packed schedule, I could not manage a tight schedule and
prioritize important matters. Throughout my experience I realized that too much
times in school is not efficient for students.
In
addition, when students deviate at school, they can do many things which they can’t
do in school. It is very important because it helps students broaden their perspectives.
To be specific, if they leave their comfort zone, they will deal with unexpected
situation and possible difficulties, which as a result allows students learn
valuable life lessons. As modern society is becoming has become increasingly globalized,
today’s world requires people with international views. Students can do this
better out of school. To illustrate, Steve Jobs, which is founder of Apple,
made great accomplishments in his lifetime. I read online that He was very
successful because he was global-minded and culturally sensitive. He did this
better by traveling in many countries.
In
my conclusion, I firmly believe that taking courses for more than 11 months is
inefficient for students. All things considered, it is my belief that my argument
concerning this topic has been effectively and precisely delivered with the
reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget about this topic may have a huge
impact on our future.
점수: 24 일단 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 먼저 첫 번째는 불필요한 부연설명이 많습니다. 특히 불필요한 which절이 많은데 이러한 부분은 에세이를 더 설명을 해주는 것 보다는 장황하게 만듭니다. 장황하다보면 원레 뜻이 변질 될 수 도 있기 때문에 간결하게 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 는 두 번째 단락 예시가 주제를 벗어 났습니다. 예시를 선정할 때 주제와 연관을 주면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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