First of all, I strongly assert thatif a new restaurant is built in your neighborhood, the city can upgrade economy.To be specific, if a new restaurant is built in your neighborhood, your towncan be visited by the diverse areas of citizens. Then your town’s can savemoney. For example, I have friends. Among the friends, Jot. Because his townlocate countryside, his town became to decrease economy annually. However, after, a newrestaurant was be built in his neighborhood, his town could increase economy.As a result, whether a new restaurant is built in your neighborhood, the villagecan develop economy.
Furthermore I strongly maintains thatif a new restaurant is built in your neighborhood, you can save time and money.The reasons is that if your city have not restaurant, you have to google otherregion’s restaurant. I think that it is very waste time. In other hand, if yourvillage have restaurant, you do not need to research other region’s restaurant.So you can save time. Also, if a new restaurant is built in your neighborhood,you do not need to drive your car. The reason is that the distance is short.Then you can save your money by saving fuel money. For instance, according tosurvey in South Korea, the majority of people agree that building a new restaurantin their towns, it is advance idea. Therefore, I strongly contend that if a newrestaurant is made in your neighborhood, you do not need to waste time and money.
In conclusion, I highly convincedthat, if, new restaurant is built in your neighborhood, it can good effects inthe region for the two crucial reasons mentioned above.
왜 띄어쓰기 안 하는건가요....? 쓸 때 몇번이고 다시 확인해야합니다.
어휘가 많이 기본적인 편입니다. 더 다양하게 쓸 수 있을 것 같은데 뭐랄까 좀 기본적으로 나오는 것 같아요
주장의 첫 문장은 무조건 clear focusing하게 적어야 합니다. 자꾸 전제를 말하고 시작하는데 그러지 않아도 됩니다
이미 다 아는 전제라서 그냥 바로 자기 주장 치고 들어가세요.
so이런 것보다는 더 다양한 연결사 쓰면 좋을 듯 합니다+문장 쓰기 연습 더 하는거 추천합니다