Children should have art and music as mandatory school subjects along with math, history, science, and language.
Some people think that it is necessary for children to learn art and music in school along with math, history, science, and language, whereas others hold the opposite view. As for my position, I stand on the side of the former. The grounds for this are that learning art and music is a good way to relieve children's stress and is helpful for them to get a job later.
To begin with, children can reduce their stress by learning art and music. These days, most children get stressed out from heavy loads of schoolworks. Playing guitar or painting may make them feel comfortable. Let me give you an example related to my experience. When I was a high school student, I got stressed because of lots of assignment and academic pressure, At that time, I had a guitar class. Seeing my playing skills were improved, and becoming to play songs that I liked, I felt happy and could reduce my stress whenever I played a guitar. As a result, I could enjoy my school life with low stress.
On top of that, children can get more job opportunities by learning music and art. This is because many companies are looking for people who have various abilities such as painting, playing piano, playing guitar, and so on. These kinds of abilities helps workers to refresh and work harder. To exemplify what I mean, one of my friends who knew how to play piano because he learned it in high school applied to a company. On the interview, he could not give impression to the interviewees at first. However, he saw a piano at the corner and he played a excited song. Interviewees saw it and told him that he was a man who could make co-workers refresh and work more enthusiastically. As a result, he landed a job in the company, and sometimes he played piano to make exciting atmosphere to make workers work harder.
Taking all of these things into account, I have arrived at the rational conclusion that children should be taught art and music in school along with math, history, science, and language because children can relieve their stress and get more job opportunities.
전체적으로 format잘 쓴 것 같습니다. 연결사 사용도 좋아요
그런데 예시가 너무 빠르게 나오는 것 같습니다. 예시보다는 주장에 대한 설명을 조금 더 길게 하는게 좋을 것 같습니다.
conclusion에서 주장 설명할 때 너무 그대로 말했습니다. 무조건 paraphrase해서 단어 다르게 써야 하는 것
잊지 말아주세요. 여기서 표현력을 봅니다. 어휘 조금 더 다양했으면 좋겠는데 지금은 약간 예상가능한 범주 안에서만
어휘가 나오는 거 같아 읽으면서 많아 아쉬웠습니다.