▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that movies and television have more positive effects on the way young people behave on young people's behavior. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for several reasons. First, they are likely to convey addictive bad information to young people. Second, they take out young people's energy and time. (이미 밑에서 언급을 다 할 것이기 때문에 굳이 인트로에서 장황하게 설명할 필요가 없습니다)
First of all, movies and television contain many inappropriate information for young people. Since film makers and TV program makers are interested not in educating people, but in making more profits, the things they make are more likely to be attractive and addictive only interested in making more profits to attract young people. This leads them to show more violent or sexual images to get more viewers. Thus, there is not going to be a positive effect on people who watch such things, not to mention that the young people who are not mature enough to discern what is right and wrong young people cannot get positive influence as they cannot discern what is right and wrong. They will just get information without any screening and mimic what they saw from these bad things(이 부분에서 하고자 하는 말이 무엇인가요?).
Moreover, movies and televisions take the youngs energy and time away. Watching movies and televisions is kind of a energy-consuming work. They show a series of images in every short period and the brain keeps trying to process the images and put into its memory. Also this makes the brain cannot make any other decisions because it is already busy taking media's information. They will not even think when to stop watching these. This why people watch these media for a long time and be exhausted after then. In this regard, the media take out people's useful energy and time that could be used in other healthy and productive activities. This can lead to decrease in concentration in their studies and health problems, like obesity for lack of exercise.
In conclusion, movies and televisions have many inappropriate information and take people's useful time and energy. All in all, these have more negative effects than positive effects on the way young people behave.
점수: 22 두 번째 단락에서 하고자 하는 말이 무엇인가요? 전체적으로 이 부분은 단락에서 무엇을 말하고자 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 이에세이의 주제는 티비가 긍정적인 부저정적인 영향을 주냐입니다. 하지만 두 번째 단락같은 경우는 이러한 부분에 있어서 전혀 개연성이 없습니다. 이러한 부분은 첫 번째 단락에서도 보여집니다. 따라서 좀 더 개연성 있게 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다.
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