Some people believe that governments have to invest their funds as much as possible on exploring the universe since most of things related to the space is are still a mystery, while other people think differently.
If I were asked to choose, I would say that the government should spend their money for on our basic needs on the earth for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, no one can't can assure that exploring the universe will help find a new beneficial resources and a substitute planet.
What I mean is that since a most of the information of about the universe is not uncovered, we have to wisely think wisely andby making make our now's lives on earth very stable before thikning thinking about the universe.
This is because we have a lot of problems such as population of people who are starving poverty and starvation is which are important issues enormous and global warming due to which was caused by the
a massive amount of greenhouse gases created from our daily life.
Thus, we have to agonize about exploring the universe after resolving all of problems on the earth because If if we multiply both things, we would not complete anything and great a demise.
On top of that, we actually don't do not have to investigate the universe since our technology or many kinds of things (구체적으로 언급을 해주셔야 합니다) have been developing.
To be specific, the mankind now possesses enough technique technology to produce a sufficient amount of food and have a tool making our lives so comfortable.
Even though these facts (해석이 어려운 어색한 표현입니다), we don't have to should not waste our precious time and money on imprecise and just interesting things.
For instance, according to an announcement of Tokyo University, now we can gather a large amount of electric energy from sunlight and have things which can be permanently used by reproducing more amount of them such as wood.(해석이 어려운 어색한 표현입니다, 조금 더 명확한 설명이 필요해보입니다)
Thus, since we are already living in wonderful environments, we don't have to should not take a risk for our inflated greed.
To Sum up, no one can't can ensure a success of exploring the space and we are not prepared to do that kind of thing since we don't have not resolved more important problems a problem on the earth yet.
Also, actually we don't do not have to investigate the earth because now we have a highly sophisticated tool and technique to fully support our lives.
In this regard, I firmly believe that the government should spend their fund in basic needs on the earth
Score: 13
Comments:
- 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다.
- 엔터 스페이싱이 많습니다. 한 문단이 되게끔 엔터로 문장들을 나누지 말아주세요.
- 라이팅에서 축약형은 쓰지 않습니다. don't - do not 모두 풀어서 써주세요.
- no one can't 실수가 반복되고 있습니다. 이미 no one 으로 부정의 의미가 있어서 can't를 쓸 필요가 없습니다.
- things 표현 자제해주세요. 조금 더 구체적으로 언급을 해주시면 좋겠습니다.
- 설득력을 높이기 위해 evidence를 꼭 넣어주시고 제시하신 이유와 연결을 잘 해주세요.
- 내용에 아주 큰 contradiction이 있습니다. 첫번째 이유는 우리는 굶주림과 같은 해결해야하는 문제들이 많고 아직 우주 탐험할 준비가 안되었다고 하셨는데 두번째 이유에서는 우리의 기술이 많이 발달해서 지구를 더이상 탐구할 필요가 없다고 하셨어요. 내용이 조금 어색합니다.
- basic needs와 관련된 내용이 많이 없습니다.
- 주제에 대한 답이 될 수 있게끔 내용에 신경을 더 많이 써주세요.