To protect the natural environment, which one do you think is the most important action that governments should take?
A) investing in the development of renewable energy sources such as wind power and solar energy
B) preserving wildlife and protecting endangered species
C) passing and enforcing the law for air and water pollution caused by big companies and industries
Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
Different opinion exists concerning with the government's role in conserving the environment. Some would say the government should take protecting many species or regulating big companies and industries protect many species by regulating big companies and industries. However, in my opinion, I believe the government should invest in renewable energy for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, the government can make money through the business of renewable energy renewable energy allows country to earn more profit. Through this income, it can possible to spend money on many purposes including preserving the diversity of species it can utilize to preserve many diversified species. Many governments are on a tight budget due to the global recession. Given this social atmosphere, enough revenues play a critical role in acting these policies (these policies가 무엇인지 구체적으로 설명할 필요가 잇습니다). For example, Jeju, the province of South Korea, invested in solar energy in order to make profits. Even though the early amount of money was huge, it could be possible to create incomes after a few years later. Therefore, the government could spend money on wildlife and endangered species. This investment indicates that the profit resulted from unlimited energy brings about economic benefits.
Furthermore, the government should support companies and industries in order to protect the ecosystem rather than compel them to follow the law (주제를 벗어났습니다. 이 에세이의 주제는 재생가능한 에너지를 사용해서 환경을 좋게 만드는 거 입니다). In long-term effect, it should be focused on motivations to make an effect on the protection of the ecosystem. Therefore, the government should actively find ways to make a budget. The profits from renewable resource make it possible to support them. For instance, according to the research completed by Environmental Science Korea, each policy was more effective when the participants were supported by financial aid than when they were limited by laws or regulations due to the lack of motivations. A great deal of empirical study suggests that the regulations are hard to expect effectiveness with conservation of the ecosystem.
In a nutshell, although there are many reasons to be considered, it seems reasonable to claim that the governments should invest in renewable sources. This is because the profit from the business can support each policy including conserving endangered species and wildlife and encouraging companies to follow the policy.
점수: 23
일단 첫 번째 단라까지는 완벽하게 왜 재생가능한 에너지에 정부가 돈을 지원해야하는지를 잘 알 수 있었던 에세이였습니다. 하지만 두 번째 단락 부터 주제를 벗어났습니다. 전혀 주제와 상관없는 이유에 대한 설명과 예시를 사용하는 거 같습니다. 이 바디에서 나타나야하는 이유는 왜 재생 가능한 에너지가 환경을 지키는 것에 있어서 좋은 적용을 하는지에 대한 거 입니다. 따라서 이러한 부분을 좀 더 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
안녕하세요. 초보자 첨삭 좀 부탁드립니다. 미리 진심으로 수고에 감사드립니당..